Letters to Kayla: 16 Months

Dear Kayla,

I just had a wonderful after work afternoon watching you play and sing with me and thought gosh I haven't written to you in ages. Dad is at Core life group tonight so I have some quiet time to send you a little Kayla love note..at 16 months.

You have finally stopped teething and are sleeping through the night. PRAISE GOD!!! because that week of teething really tested your dad and my patience. You would just moan and moan all through the night. Nothing would calm you down, except when we would tickle your back (a trick I used to use on Nyemu when she was a baby). I got so many tips from my "mommy panelist" ...now these are the mommies at work that give me free advise. Let me just say EVERY MOMMY NEEDS THEM. Turns out Panado is usless for teething ... Whisky, teething jell, ice, ice cloth...you name it I tried it. Dad and I hardly slept that week ...but we are happy to say you have a beautiful set of teeth coming through.

After Christmas Dad and I strongly believed that it was time for you to go to playschool. You loved being with other kids and were running around so much. There have been so many little miracles that have been happening just in the decisions and plans for you going to creche. God really took something so stressful for me - decision to move you from being with Christine to a creche. And he turned it into an amazing blessing. Christine is now your play school teacher! How awesome and amazing is that?? You get to be taught by someone you love and adore and Christine gets the benefit of having her two boys in school and have a full time job. When I think about the situation I can only owe it all to God. God new all of our needs and desires and met them beyond our expectations. What are the chances that the one creche which we would send you to (after interviewing a number of schools) would eventually have an opportunity for Christine to join their team. The creche is perfectly on route for Sean (Christine husband) to drop them off and pick them up, coz Christine doesn't drive. A believe it is all a real miracle!

On the mommy side of things, I am loving life at the moment and really enjoying the energy and excitement of a new year.I am eating healthy and getting up early for jogs which is just a wave of freshness. Even though work is super busy I feel like I get that quiet time in the mornings just for myself and God. I have started growing random plants and somehow that has helped with me spiritually. I enjoy seeing how far the roots crow and transplanting them into my small pots on the veranda.

I know it is sad to say it ...but I am enjoying work. Eeeek! But seriously Kayla I feel like I am finally getting my feet wet in this whole business development role and starting to see some fruits grow. I used to be so quiet and intimidated in client meetings but I am starting to learn the ropes of how to interact and make business linkages. It is like a game in a way....how to read people, how to find a gap, how to find a solution, how to pitch an idea, how to nurture a relationship. Gosh it is amazing how important relationship building is in business. ..you will get there  one day my angel.

Anyways enough about the boring work stuff...let me enlighten you on some of the cool thinks about you:

• You love throwing things!! you are going to be an amazing bowler. You love to run and throw balls or oranges or granadillas. And you are actually good at your aiming.
• You imitate us on the phone and actually roll your eyes and wait for a fake response. It really looks like you are on the phone with someone.(i will try upload a video of you)
• You like to say lillian because of the way the 'l's roll off your tongue
• You call yourself Katka
• You call grandma  and grandpa GaptGa
• You like to finish off sentences like when I say it is time to go.... You shout out the GO!
• You love Twinkle Twinkle little star...and you emphasis the ARE!
• You never get enough of me singing "MISS POLLY"
• You like to suck on lemons because you are fascinated by the automatic reaction
• You could turn a lid on and off for hours
• Anybodies shoes interest you and you walk around calling them out Sooos!
• You love being in the swimming pool with Daddy or mommy
• You know what thunder sounds like and you call it Thanda (soo close)

These are but a few of the wonders you are absorbing and sharing about this world and I want you to always know how precious you are. Every now and again I get these moments where I thing GOD you truly are a amazing... because of you, Kayla,  my faith and relationship with God is that much stronger. So thank you. Today I had one of those moments of God you are amazing and Kayla I hope you know that. The sun was shining on your face while you were sitting in your car seat and saying More More to the banana in my hand. Dad was driving around a corner and I just wanted to absorb that moment.  You are so intricately made by God and I never want you or I to forget that.

Love always,

Mommy

When the Storm of Life Hit

If you are a sensitive reader (as in don’t like to read about blood, hurt and pain) I suggest you do not continue to read this section as it goes into a bit more detail of my miscarriage. The reason I chose to share this experience with my readers is because miscarriages are hardly talked about or shared yet one in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriages  and over 80% of miscarriages occur before 12 weeks. What that tells me is that there are a lot of women out there who have experienced this and who will experience this and I hope that this blog strengthens them in some way or prepares them for a path that they could journey on someday.  

It is amazing how powerful the mind can be because now that I knew that I was no longer pregnant it was like my body just took over the whole situation. I pictured my internal body cells saying “Fantastic, now that we have the mind on board we can proceed with the evacuation!” Apparently some ladies can carry this embryo sac for months without even knowing they are not pregnant. You experience every symptom of pregnancy from the hormones to the weight gain etc. The only thing that can prove you wrong is the scan! I remember Fransisca telling me a story about a friend who had given birth to water and she had so many questions about how is that possible - to carry a 'child' for 9 months and deliver water. It made no sense to me then...but it makes sense now. It really got me thinking “How far would I have gone if I hadn’t known I was pregnant?”

 I called my friend who had experienced a miscarriage before and she gave me such amazing support and wisdom during this time. I realised that God’s timing was perfect. I was so glad I had told her I was pregnant when I did. She explained to me clearly what my options were and also shared with me her decisions behind what she chose. See if you choose to just naturally abort – as in just wait and see what happens you are at risk of getting an infection. You also experience heavy bleeding for a longer period of time. If you take the abortion pills it forces your body to abort and that doesn’t guarantee that everything has come out. You are given a set of different pills to take over the course of a week. With the D and C option your whole uterus is scraped out and it helps reduce the bleeding. It felt like it was a tough decision to make because I am generally all about the natural way of life but was I prepared to have weeks of heavy bleeding?… the D and C option seemed like a simpler and quicker option…and I really wanted to just put this whole experience behind me as quickly as possible – hence I booked for a D and C for the Wednesday morning.

The whole day Tuesday (next day after the news) I felt like it was just a lousy period day. By 3pm I decided to take it easy and just lie down. Kayla came with me and we had fun hanging out on the bed. She really wanted to be close to me and wanted to cuddle. I, on the other hand was slowly falling asleep as I was feeling exhausted. Avon then came home and we had a small family moment on the bed. Then I sat up and coughed and immediately felt a gush of something come out of me. I stood up fast and ran to the toilet. I wasn’t in pain but there was blood everywhere. I assumed I was naturally aborting but decided to call my gyne because I had booked for the D & C for the following morning. The secretary said as long as you are not bleeding buckets you should be fine but if you do just go to the emergency ward. “What was that suppose to mean…do people really bleed buckets?” I wondered. I was bleeding so heavily I couldn’t get off the toilet….did that count as  buckets of blood?  Avon could hear something flowing into the toilet and asked if I was peeing and I was like no that is just blood. Was this a call for an emergency?

After an hour of heavy bleeding I collapsed to the floor because I felt so light headed. I couldn’t focus or control the blackout moments. It like I was going to die and I thought of Kanyadzo my grandmother who died during child birth at 36yrs of age if I remember correctly it was due to loss of blood. Was this my time to die? Was God finished with me, was I finished with me? Was this really the end of my Rhythm of life? Did I do all the things I was called to do. Just at that thought I said to myself “HELL NO I am not dying today! I am going to fight for my life!” and shouted from the bathroom floor “Babes we are going to the emergencies! I feel like I am dying. Get the car and everything ready and I will run down!” At this point I had managed to get more blood flowing to my head by raising my legs up against the wall. Avon got the car ready and thankfully Avon’s mom was around so Kayla was sorted.

With blood still running down my legs onto my bare feet I fled down the stairs into the back seat of the car and lay down flat with my legs up against the window. When I collapsed onto the back seat of the car I really couldn’t understand where that burst of energy came from because I was blacking out again. I had never had a moment like this before and new I needed more prayer than just the ones I was saying to myself. So decided to Facebook “I need prayer now!” No body knew what I needed prayer for and I wasn’t prepared to explain it on facebook....all people needed to know at that time was I needed Help! I was scared!

When we got to the emergency entrance at the hospital I was put on a wheelchair and wheeled to the emergency unit. I covered my face as tears rolled down. I was scared and somewhat ashamed for anyone to see me like this. What would they be thinking seeing this lady in a wheel chair crying,  with blood down her legs. Well they were probably thinking the obvious…she has probably just had a miscarriage. But I felt sorry for myself but I didn’t want others to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want these strangers to see my face.
The nurses at fourways life really took good care of me. Sometimes I don’t know how those nurses manage to keep their cool through everything they see and experience. I was practically a dead weight as the one nurse tried to take off my soaked clothing and put on my hospital gown.  I kept crying just because I felt ashamed, weak and useless. I wasn’t used to feeling like this…I wasn’t used to being the one that needed help that needed the prayers that needed support. It was a horrible feeling. But the nurses were so comforting and sympathetic through it all. I ended up getting a drip put in me which helped with the dizziness and my Gyne managed to see me. She then scheduled me for a D & C for that evening.

Sitting waiting to go in for a D&C.....still gotta pose!

As I lay in the hospital bed for those couple of hours before I went for the D&C I kept getting reassured by God “My timing is perfect, my timing is perfect!” I thought back on this whole pregnancy. Imagine if I had got for that scan the day of my Christmas party! I wouldn’t have gone to the party and have had precious moments with my friends at work. I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself and created memorable moments.  I also thought about how detached I had been to this whole pregnancy and thought maybe it was because there was nothing there or maybe God planned it this way. Did he keep me so busy to the point where I wasn’t actually embracing the pregnancy? I thought about how fortunate I was to have the support that I had had from my mother in-law to my friend who explained exactly what I might experience. I also thought about the what ifs – What if I had never gone into see the gynecologist the day before and had experienced what I had experienced? I wouldn’t have known the details of the terminated pregnancy. Gods timing was indeed perfect. He prepared my heart and mind for what was to come.

The actual operation was absolutely amazing. In fact the operation was the easiest part of the whole experience. Other than feeling weak I felt ten times better than what I did before I went in for the D&C.  Avon and I manage to get


As horrible as this experience was I really felt Gods presence through it all and even now and I would have changed a thing. God was holding my hand through it all…when I thought I was dying, when I was ashamed and crying as I entered the emergency unit, when I was nervous about the operation, and he is holding my hand now as I heal emotionally. After the whole experience I was amazed at how many women in my network had experienced what I had experienced and I had no idea. Yes sometimes we want to put the bad behind us and move on to a brighter future. But honestly this experience taught me so much about Gods love and his presence through a storm. He brings with him a peace that is unexplained and blessed me with a strength that could only come from Him. I am happy and thankful for what I had experienced. I now understand what my fiend meant when she shared her testimony of her miscarriage with strength.

Finding out I was No longer Pregnant

The very next day after I had shared my pregnancy with my friend and after I had my little one on one with God, I woke up to bright red spotting. I knew this wasn’t normal but tried not to freak out (FYI: brown spotting is okay….bright red means you gotta get checked). So I got dressed for work as usual, whispered in Avon’s ear “Pray for me love, my spotting isn’t normal!” and headed out the door.

On my way to work I got stuck in some horrific Johannesburg traffic and after an hour I managed to reach the cause of the traffic congestion. Part of me wished I hadn’t seen what I had seen. On the hot ground in the middle of the N1 highway lay a African lady with a pool of blood beside her. There were paramedics around and her car was a complete write off. I got that jolting feeling about how life is so short. I thought about how she must have woken up this morning like it was a normal day. I pictured her getting dressed for work and selecting what cloths to wear. I wondered about her children and how young they were …did they know where mommy was now. As I drove the next 20minutes to the office I just cried and cried…It was like God was jolting my perceptions on life. I held my tummy and thought about the life I was carrying ….. “was there life?” Again the strangest of thoughts came to my mind. “Kanya if you had a chance to give this lady life would you give her the life you are carrying inside of you?” Sometimes I make myself sick with the thoughts that come through my head….. But this stranger that lay on the hot morning concrete of the N1 Highway seemed more desperate for life than the baby I was carrying. God was there some strange supernatural way of passing life from one person to another?  What if there was? Would you do it Kanya????? Who’s to say these thoughts are mine or Gods but I drove off with a sense of. “Take this life inside of me….This lady needs that second chance …she needs time. She needs life!”…who knows maybe she wasn’t even dead?? Maybe I was just playing a messed up mind game with myself….or maybe I wasn’t. Either way I was seriously moved by the event.

By lunch time that day I realised that I needed to take this pregnancy more seriously, I needed to be checked. I called 3 gynaecologists in Pretoria and none could see me. I asked them what I must do, I felt normal and healthy I was just bleeding more than normal. They suggested I go to emergencies which I thought was a bit overrated. So I called my gynaecologist in Fourways who said I needed to come in immediately. So I told work that I needed to attend to a personal emergency and headed to Fourways.

Avon was shooting commercials that day at montecasino but again I was so chilled I said it is probably no big deal for him to come for the scan, I mean we get the DVD anyways and he could watch it at home. But I wasn’t prepared for the news I was about to receive.

Dr Brink asked me a whole lot of questions about how far along I thought I was etc. She didn’t do a urine test which I thought was weird but just went straight to the scan. The room was dark and the gel she used was cold on my stomach. The screen was up and I got excited thinking about all the times that I saw Kayla on that screen and how she was now a real kid now…she was a real life! Dr Brink moved the scanning device around and I couldn’t seem to see anything noticeable. She calmly said “It was what I thought, there is no foetus.” Did I hear correctly? Is this a dream? What does she mean? She continued by explaining that it is quite common during the first trimester for the fetus to stop developing . Dr Brink “From what I see the embryotic sac has developed but there is no fetus in it. It probably stopped around 8 weeks.” The empty sac appeared on the screen. It looked lonely and odd. Nothing like the recent video I had seen of Maita’s little one moving around in the sac, nothing like the wonderful videos of kayla….no this was just a hollow dark hole.

My heart sunk and I almost felt like I didn’t hear what I had just heard.  Dr Brink said “I will give you a little moment to get dressed and we can have a chat about it!” I was now alone in the room and I felt cold. I am not sure that I was expecting this but then again I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. Suddenly I wished Avon was with me. Tears swelled up in my eyes. Lord was this really happening to me am I not in some sort of a strange dream. I was so sure I was pregnant, what had happened, what did I do wrong?

I slowly sat down at Dr Brink’s desk and spaced out as she went through what she had observed and what needs to happen. “Kanya snap out of this,” I thought. “You need to pay attention there are some tough decisions to make here” my mind continued. As Dr Brink listed my three options: Natural abortion where your system just tries to get rid of it itself; Oral abortion pills; or D and C. I don’t’ even know what a D and c was? Dr Brink “this is where we put you in theatre and scrape out your uterus!” Oh Lord! Theatre? I have never had an operation before and only been in hospital once for pneumonia when I was 14yrs old. Dr Brink “I am going to prescribe you some pills for anxiety. I have been through this before and it was also during my second pregnancy. The anxiety pills will help you sleep and help with those recurring thoughts. I understand that this isn’t easy for you but I am here to help you through this. You just need to tell me by tomorrow morning if you want to have a D & C. Then you will be scheduled for Wednesday morning surgery.”

Everything seemed to be happening so fast yet so slow. I went from thinking I was pregnant and alive to nothing….just an empty sack of water.

I smsed Avon to come meet “Not good news, need you now.!” my text said. I walked out of the hospital and the day seemed to have stood still. The sun was blazing on me…. people were walking around but I felt like I didn’t exist.  This day all seemed so strange…was this the same sun that shone on the lady on the pavement this morning? Was it a different day? Lord are you there can you hear me…can you see me? I have just been bashed with bad news…were you in the room with me? I know bad things happen to people all the time but would I get through this bad news? I sat in the car and cried while I waited for Avon. That was probably my lowest moment and I hated it. I don’t like moments like this and I didn’t want it to continue.

I recalled a Youth lesson I taught on How Jesus is in the boat with us when the storms come. I was in a storm and I needed to believe that God was right there with me! Gosh it was so hard! But I wasn’t alone and I needed to be strong. I needed that courage that filtered to Katie…I needed my prayer which I prayed the night before…I needed it to come to me and now!!!! This was a perfect storm designed just for me and God was and is going to carry me through it.

After that moment I felt stronger and better. Sharing the news with Avon wasn’t easy. He was just quiet after I said it all. Then he wanted answers. “What did we do wrong? How could we have prevented this? But sometimes life doesn’t give us those kind of answers we just need to move forward trusting that God is guiding our every step and is equipping us with everything we need to get through it.

I wasn’t going to let this miscarriage destroy me or my family. I still was going to be Kanya!  I wasn’t too sure what the next couple of days had in store for me so I decided that I would tell as many people as I could while I was still okay. I made it a priority to tell all my pregnant friends. I wanted them to know the details and to reassure them that I was okay. I also wanted them to know that I was glad that it was me that was going through it and not them. My blessing was Kayla and I was going to hold on to that strongly. It seemed to have hit my friends a lot harder than it had hit me.

I can’t explain how the knowledge of this miscarriage strengthened my bond with Kayla. It was like she knew I needed her love. She would follow me everywhere I walked in the house. She would kiss me and hug me and in her own way tell me that she loved me. I cherished every second and held on to her so tightly. 

Spreading the Pregnancy News

Like I said before this pregnancy was a lot less extravagant even when it came to sharing it with people. We didn’t do any big announcement and only shared it with people here and there. But spreading the news isn’t the easiest of tasks, especially when it comes to sharing it with close friends who are trying to fall pregnant.

One of my weaknesses is communicating with people who are struggling in a situation that I have not been through or can’t relate to. I can be deep with people love offering encouragement and advice where I can. But I feel that I am so much better at lightening the mood and telling jokes. I tend to try my best to avoid awkward moments but it is very difficult to avoid awkward moments which need to be dealt with head on, for example telling a close friend who has experienced a miscarriage that you are pregnant.  That really isn’t an easy task and there is no easy way or step by step way of doing it.

What made the situation even harder was that I was taking this pregnancy so lightly …like “Oh by the way I am pregnant!” and I really felt like it wasn’t the best way to share it with this close friend of mine. The worst part was we both had hectic lives and were so busy that it was hard to find a moment when we could be alone and just be real with each other.

So the other night after our church carols her and her husband invited us to watch comedy at their place. I figured this would be a good time to tell her so we took up the invite. The challenging thing was that there were other friends that had been invited as well, some knew I was pregnant and others didn’t. So getting an alone time with her wasn’t easy.

So after a number of moments where I could have said something and didn’t I just got this huge push to just be real with her.  I turned and said as least awkward as I could “I am pregnant and I have no idea how to tell you because I know you have been through so much during your miscarriage! And I haven’t had a moment where I could tell you in private and I know this isn’t the best of moments but I just have to tell you!” As I said that tears rolled down my face and that squeaky voice that comes when you really don’t want it to…the words came out fast and I wondered if I even made any sense at all. I felt like I was an emotional bomb that had just exploded. At that moment I was taken back to the moment in her very same kitchen when she asked me concerning pregnancy. I guess at the time she wanted something reassuring from someone who had gone through pregnancy before. At the time I didn’t know she was pregnant and I saw the sparkle in her eye when she said pregnant but also the fear of what my answer would be to her question.  “Did you spot when you were pregnant?”  I don’t remember what my answer was but I always remember that moment in her eyes. It is that moment when you are excited about being pregnant but also not sure what is normal and what isn’t.

While my thoughts came back to me she wrapped her arms around me and said “It is okay Kanya. I am so excited for you!” We chatted a bit and she shared with me something so deep. At her staff Christmas party they were asked to share one thing that she was thankful for the year. She said I know it may sound strange but the thing that came up so strongly was the miscarriage. She continued to say “I can honestly say I am thankful for what happened to me!”  I couldn’t believe how strong she was and I reflected back on her testimony she shared quite soon after she had had the miscarriage. It was during one of our God First ladies church breakfasts. She spoke so confidently and so strong even though she had been through so much. During that breakfast I wondered if I could be that strong after having gone through that? And As I stood there in the kitchen listening to her, a couple of months later, and she still stood her ground….the thought came back to me again. “Lord I wonder if I could be as strong as her if it had happened to me?”

At the Ladies breakfast listening to Joanna Jack

Ladies catching up and hanging out

Katie being Payed for before she shared her Testimony

Katie sharing her  amazing testimony

I went home that night feeling relieved that my final hurdle of sharing had been crossed but also feeling fearful about how fragile pregnancy is. I lay in bed thinking about all the women that were pregnant in my network of friends and family. I thought about God and life and how anything is possible, nothing is guaranteed. I got scared thinking that not all these pregnancies are going to be perfect…there are just too many of them Right?. And just that thought shook me. I turned over and prayed that God would protect all of us that were pregnant and if he needed to balance this equation of perfectness I would want to be the one that would carry the burden. I know it is strange that this thought came to my mind…It isn’t a thought that comes often. But I honestly felt like I had been blessed with Kayla having a second smooth pregnancy would just be a bonus. My prayer was also for women like my friend who were trying to fall pregnant and had experienced something so traumatic as a miscarriage. I prayed for that courage that my friend had…that it would filter through the hearts of women hurting and in pain after having a miscarriage. I prayed that that God would strengthen them and help them believe in life again. 

Please note that the amazing photos used in this blog are compliments of Lorette Apple From Lorette Apple Photography. You can visit her website at http://www.loretteappel.co.za/ for further information. 

Doctor's Appointment and My Work Christmas Party

I had managed to schedule a pregnancy scan for a Saturday afternoon just before my staff Christmas party. It wasn’t the ideal of days to schedule an appointment because there was so much to do but it was the only day the Doc could see me.

Getting ready for the night and trying to juggle this appointment in between the day wasn’t easy.I decided that day to do something different with my hair but 3 hours later regretted it because my hair was taking forever to dry.  With only 40 minutes left to get to the doctors and my hubby still somewhere in Fourways stuck in traffic, I decided to just leave the hairdressers with the rollers in my hair. It was probably the worst Fourways traffic day ever. It took Avon and me 40 minutes just to meet up. I remember sitting in the car thinking this is a disaster. My hair is in rollers and we are late for our first scan. I felt bad thinking about how I would explain this to our baby #2 …maybe it would make for a good story I thought. But when I realised that there was no time for us to even make it to the Doctors in a reasonably late fashion we decided to cancel our appointment. Surprisingly I wasn’t anxious, unhappy or upset. I had a moment with God in the car where he reassured me that everything happens for a reason and for some reason I was not supposed to go for a scan that day. We went home relaxed, got dressed and headed for the Christmas party in peace.

Anyways our staff Christmas party was a blast. I was the MC for the night and enjoyed every moment on the mic. Partners were invited which made the night even more epic. The whole party felt like we were at a really good wedding with good people and good music. I was surprised to see how many of my co-workers were on the dance floor and loved seeing them pull out their hidden dance moves. Avon and I stayed till quite late and I thought “wow what a good way to end a hectic day!” I will let our photos do the talking. 

Avon and I all jazzed up for my Christmas party

Daleen and I hanging out at the tables

OOO we love dressing up

Oh and you gotta act for a good shot :).

The dance floor

.....we gotta have a classic moment.

Avon and I pulling our sickest dance moves

Winita and Carene having a good lagh

Whoop whoop

You know the party is good when people take of their shoes!

Second Pregnancy and a Working Mother

Being a pregnant, working and travelling Mother is not a joke.  I didn't get as much morning sickness as I did with Kayla. But I was sure that it was because this time around I wasn’t going to slow down not even a bit! With Kayla I used to go and sleep in the car during my lunch breaks but I refused to even believe I was tired. I was scared that if I started to nap I wouldn't stop.

On the hormonal side I was more emotional about leaving Kayla when I had to travel. The one time I had to leave for two nights, I ended up sitting on the plane next to two ladies with their daughters and I cried the whole way to Durban. Then after the whole business trip I tried my best to get an earlier flight back just so I could see Kayla before she went to sleep. I ended up meeting dead ends every avenue I tried and sat in the Cape Town airport for 5 hours alone. That didn't help the emotions at all. All I wanted to do was to see my daughter before she went to bed. “Was that TOO MUCH TO ASK?” I killed time by getting a pedicure and manicure because I was too emotional to do work. Then I managed to get Kayla and my Mother on Skype.Seeing Kayla on skype for the first time felt so strange. I wanted to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I loved her. She waved at me as if I was right there with her in my living room. I started to sing her favorite song “Miss Polly had a dolly!” She was jumping for joy on the other end as if I was in the room with her..... while I quivered every word with tears running down my cheek. …. Not caring about how unprofessional I looked in a crowded airport lounge with my business clothes on and laptop on my lap!

The norm is to not tell work that you are pregnant until you have passed the first trimester, which I did try to stick to. However at 11 weeks I decided to tell my boss because he was going on holiday quite early and I didn’t want him to get a surprise in January when I would be about 16 weeks pregnant and obviously showing. I also assumed that during your second pregnancy you would show quite obviously. I was worried that my boss would be disappointed in me, because of the fact that I had just got a promotion and immediately fell pregnant, as if I had planned it. But strangely enough he was calm, collected and genuinely seemed interested in my well-being  I had mentioned to him that I hadn’t gone for a scan or seen any doctors but I was sure I was about 11 weeks pregnant. Strangely he said I should still keep it confidential till it is all confirmed. It sounded like he had had a bad experience with unconfirmed pregnancies. But I still reconfirmed the fact that I was sure I was pregnant. 

Exciting Things about my 2nd Pregnancy

Although there were some deeply personal moments about being pregnant again, there were some really awesome moments to be excited about as well. The biggest one being that my sister Maita was also pregnant and we were on the exact same cycle. How awesome was that? Two sisters journeying together on the road to motherhood!! We were super pumped about growing together and sharing one another’s ups and downs.

But Maita wasn't the only one close to me that was pregnant. There were many of my awesome friends that were pregnant too, like Naomi my good friend who was also pregnant with me when I had Kayla, and Marcia who is my best friend from high school. That’s just naming a few: there were actually about 5 people in my network that were pregnant. It really seemed strange but still exciting that so many of my friends were pregnant, which made me think that this pregnancy was going to be a fantastic journey with amazing women traveling on the road together.

At 12 weeks pregnant Maita and I both decided that Genesis clinic would be the spot for delivery and made our booking during their open day on 8 Dec. Yes it was a lot earlier than when I had made my booking with Kayla (35 weeks pregnant) but we really wanted to take advantage of the 50% of booking special during their open day.

 Walking through the halls of Genesis clinic reminded me of giving birth to Kayla and how awesome the experience was. I actually was looking forward to delivering baby #2 and wanted to share it with the ladies that were seeing the clinic for the first time. I could see how nervous they looked and how it was such a mindset change about giving birth outside of the hospital. I felt like being the spokesperson for Genesis and preaching to all the ladies by saying “You are not making a mistake by choosing Genesis Clinic!”

To be honest with you I loved being pregnant with Kayla and the thought of being pregnant again really excited me. I thought about the lovely movements of Kayla (at the time SIAM) felt like in my tummy, I thought about the amazing journey it was for Avon and I as a couple and thought wow “thank you Lord for taking me on this journey again.”  I was trying to think of how Kayla would comprehend the whole concept of mommy being pregnant. Would it make sense? Would she understand why my tummy would grow? But again another journey I was excited to embark on with Kayla as well. 

Kayla is 11 months and I am Pregnant!

The next couple of blogs are going to be a bit difficult for me to post but I need to post them because they all part of my Rhythm of Life…gotta stay true to the blog.

Kayla is 11 months and I am Pregnant!

Finding out I was pregnant the second time around was a lot less extravagant than when I had Kayla. I mean there were no tear jerking moments or moments when my heart skipped a beat, I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy when I shared it with people either. Don’t get me wrong I was very thankful to God that I was pregnant but there were numerous factors why the level of excitement during this second round of pregnancy was a lot different.

Firstly, by the time I had found out I was pregnant it had only been a couple of months since Kayla had stopped breast feeding and I was finally feeling like my body was now my own again. Not that I didn’t mind sharing my body, I actually really enjoyed it. But after I had reached the 6 month mark I was really starting to feel chained to Kayla by the boob. At 6 months Kayla was still waking up for that midnight snack at the boob and I was still trekking the breast pump everywhere I went. But the real moment when I knew the BOOB relationship had to stop was when I was hanging over a public toilet, in the Cape Town Airport, manually trying to release the pressure in my breast.  The thought of being on a 2 hour flight with a fully loaded set of boobs traumatized me. Yes it was at that point when I knew Mommy had to stop breastfeeding. After the whole process of weaning Kayla off the boob, my body had miraculously reshaped back to pre-baby, and my female organs seemed to have found themselves again. YEY! ….and then this somewhat faded strip on the home pregnancy test showed up and it got me thinking “God are you for real!”

The second factor that pinched at my excitement levels was the whole fact that I finally felt like I had an opportunity to give my career a chance. To move with full steam and embrace every aspect of it and when I was pregnant with Kayla – career was the last thing on my mind. I was fearful that this pregnancy might bring along with it the whole lack of career drive. I really thought God had opened doors for me now and this pregnancy seemed like He was trying to tell me something else – What? Because I had barely even sunken my teeth into this career burger.

Thirdly, there was the thought of what would people think when they see how close Kayla and Baby #2 are? But that faded quite quickly when I was being helped by the pharmacist and a lady behind me asked if she could butt in with a quick question.

The lady asked anxiously: Excuse me, can I take these pills if I am breastfeeding and pregnant?

Pharmacist: Well which one are you?

Lady: I am both! (as if her question was an obvious one.)

Enter Kanya: May I ask how old your baby is?

Lady: 6 months!

Kanya: Mine is 11 months and I might be pregnant too!

But my mind was really saying “WHOOP WHOOP!!!! Take that all you judgmental people, there are ladies out there who have much closer gaps than me! So HA!”

Fourthly I think the fact that I was pregnant again did shake Avon’s anxiety levels a bit.  All of a sudden the two bedroom place we were living in was clearly going to be way too small, so we decided to do the house shop. I think that just increased our anxiety levels because houses around Fourways, Johannesburg were way over what we could afford. Ouch! 

Although it felt like this pregnancy was really coming at an awkward time I knew Gods hand was in it all, I felt blessed to be pregnant again and has no moments of wishing I wasn't pregnant...just moments of reflections.....But I had so much to be excited about with being pregnant ....coming up next blog! 

Letters to Kayla: First chatter

Dear Kayla

One of my favourite times of the day is laying in bed with daddy and you on a Saturday morning. You are just like your me - you love mornings. You sometimes even sing yourself awake. It makes daddy and I feel so much better because nothing can dampen our day once we have heard your cheery voice.

Here is a video of you, daddy and  I hanging out in bed and reviewing your new words for the week. You were only 13 months at this stage and you can thank Grandma Taruvinga for teaching you alot of the words. She had been babysitting you for 3weeks and what a joy it has been for both of you.

Love you loads my angel,

Mommy for life

Working and Traveling Mother

October 2012

Just when I thought I got the hang of being a working mom life seemed to switch things up a notch. How about a working and travelling mom? Yup I am two months into my new career as Business Development Director for Strategic Environmental Focus (www.sefsa.co.za).

Last year I probably would have never have thought that I would be keen for such a position. Being a mom I was so sure that I would opt for the stay-at-home mommy career path. I had consulted with a lot of moms who gave up full blown careers just so they could be with their kids. And listening to their reasoning’s – I could relate BIG TIME.

 

When my boss proposed the new job position I got a strange sense of excitement and fear all at the same time. I had had a couple of job offers previously which required weeks of travel and I had turned them down purely because it meant me spending less time with family. But this new job seemed a bit feasible – regional (Cape Town and Durban) short visits. Then there was the other fear factor which was the complete career change. I was moving from GIS and Remote sensing work which was mainly computer based to now relationship building, people management, marketing and business development. Am I capable of such a position? This was kicking my career into top gear – was I ready for this change?

 

So with any major decision I face I consulted my Husband and to my surprise he was more excited than me. It was so encouraging too because ultimately this travel and stress would put more pressure on Avon. Were we ready for this as a couple?

 

God opens and closes doors – so I needed to get confirmation from God. And what better way to do that than to fast. During this fast I prayed and got confirmation on various levels from dreams to scripture to actual words given by people. Strange how even when you get the confirmation you still question God…Are you sure about this God?  Why me?

 

One thing I knew for sure was that this was going to require a massive walk in faith. I would need to proceed trusting that God would grant me wisdom, strength, patience, endurance, contacts and ideas. I was being put in a leadership position……Could I trust in Him enough to make me a leader?

 

Two months have gone by and I can really tell you God has come to my rescue on numerous occasions and still continues to do so. There have been moments when I just want to break down out of frustrations with working with people - sometimes working with a computer is a lot easier. There have been times when the future just seems like a blur and I am not equipped for it. Yet God, in his mysterious ways, encourages me, humbles me, reassures me that he is in control and I am not. These are the times when I realise how amazing God is with taking care of the details.  And all of these learning experiences and awakenings wouldn’t have happened if I had decided not to take the position. 

 

So readers this is why I have been quiet…and I apologise to all of you who do follow these blogs on a regular basis. Keep me in your prayers….coz let me tell you! I NEED IT big time. I have a couple of blogs which I have up my sleeve, I just haven’t had time to post them….so watch this space.

Kayla Starting to Walk

Our Angel has just started walking..... this video was taken the morning after she mastered her first 5 steps. Avon and I are having so much fun just getting her to walk between the two of us. It is like playing ball lol. Excuse the morning look!!!!

Baby Meal 1

Before I became a mother I used to day dream of all the fun meals I would put together for my child. I was one of those mom’s who believed I would never feed my child purity. But life caught up with me pretty fast and before I knew it I was feeding my child the very same food I resented…..well this was until a month ago.

During life group one of my good friends told me how she has put together all different kinds of meals for her 10month old and had frozen it. When I saw how neatly she had put her meals together in freezer bags I got a huge feeling of guilt. My poor Kayla had been eating purity for the past month and she could have had the option of real food. I think my friend sensed the lousy feeling so she loaned me her baby Food cook book!

The very next day I was in my kitchen cooking up a storm for Kayla. I didn’t realise how much fun it was cooking food for her and how easy it was. I would cook up a meal – pure it and freeze it in ice cube trays. The bonus was that Kayla loved my cooking. Her appetite just shot right up. Even I would enjoy tasting her food.

So I thought I would share one of my remixed easy baby meals:

Lentils and Sweet Potatoes Mush

Quarter of an onion

Bit of garlic (optional)

2 large sweet potatoes

1 carrot

1 tomato

½ cup soaked red lentils

1 grated apple

½ cup Stock

½ cup water.

1. Fry onions and a dash of garlic in olive oil
2. Add remaining ingredients
3. Simmer till potatoes are cooked through. Add more water if the dish begins to dry up.
4. Cool and then blend with a puree machine.

Switch it up:

You can switch this meal up by adding cooked boiled meat or chicken instead of lentils.

Another easy one is:
Eggy Bread.

Mix breast milk or formula with one egg, Soak bread and fry in butter.
This is very handy when you want her to feed herself. Plus she gets her protein.

If you have any cool and easy baby meals please do share.

Thoughts on Nelson Mandela Day

If this morning you had a thought like this “Gosh it’s Mandela Day and I have not planned a Good Deed or supported any good cause…Am I changing the world?,” then maybe this read is for you.


I had that very same thought ponder in my mind on my way to work. The thought followed with more guilty thoughts like“ Gee I wish I was more giving, more involved! I wish I was making a difference” Sometimes one feels a bit overwhelmed by all the areas that are in need and sometimes you just feel like maybe you don’t trust where your money is going too. But honestly at the end of the day it is about doing something no matter how big or small because whatever it is it will make a difference some how.

So I decided to dedicate my Madiba 67 minutes to supporting an organisation which has been close to my heart since high school – Abandoned Babies for Christ (ABC ministries). It is a small orphanage in Swaziland which is dedicated to providing the vital support and love needed for babies who have been abandoned. Over the past 10 years of knowing them I have heard of horrific stories of babies being rescued and how they have managed to survive and love life again.

When I was in university I used to give talks about HIV Aids in Swaziland and talked about my links to ABC ministry as signs of hope. It was amazing how these educational talks actually stirred the hearts of random people in the audience. Once a random IT guy decided to sit in on my lecture just to kill time and by the end of my talk he was in tears. Turned out that he was a leader of a youth group and he managed to get his youth group to raise money for these babies. Other events were we managed to support this organisation included Aids Awareness day and African Awareness day.

I felt super guilty when I received a personal letter from ABC Ministries last week. They talked about the changes, challenges and how they were trusting God with every thing they needed. I haven’t been supporting them much since my university days and yet now that I have my own 9 month old baby I feel like it is even more applicable for me to support them. I mean now I should really understand what it means to look after another life Right?

So TODAY I will do things differently! My first 15 minutes have been dedicated to creating awareness to ABC Ministry. If you feel like supporting them please feel free to contact me or contact them directly. Their details are below:

Robyn +26876688989; Email: info@abcministry.org.za; Website: www.abcministry.org.za
Section 21 Company No: RT/2542
Company Name: ABANDONED BABIES FOR CHRIST MINISTRY.
Banking Details: Standard Bank Swaziland;
Acc Name: ABC Ministry;
Acc. No.: 0140034300101;
Branch Code: 661164;
Swift Address: SBICSZMX;
I BAN No.: SBICSZMX6611640140034300101

I will now go and convert my well saved up Pick and Pay Smart Shoppers points to Cash and purchase some supplies which they are desperately in need of. It is a baby step….but a step for a baby J!

Happy Mandela Day!

Letters to Kayla: Europe Holiday 2012

Dear Kayla,

We have just got back from a fantastic vacation in Greece and Manchester in England and you travelled like you were born to travel, flights, people, lights, camera’s …it was all second nature to you. The best part of this vacation was spending time with you but I thought I would highlight some of the moments in a short letter.

I had been feeling so guilty the weeks before we left because I was so busy at work. I had so many projects to wrap up and had to put in extra hours at work just to accommodate for the vacation. Dad was a star at giving me space to work and he would help with picking you up and entertaining you on weekends. He enjoys taking you to the racetrack to watch the cars and motorbikes race. I think you enjoy it too because you never give Dad a hard time.

We had a wedding in Manchester, Auntie Emma and Uncle Darrion. You probably don’t remember them but they came to visit us in Johannesburg when you were 4 months old. Their little girl Jasmine just loved the fact that “Baby-Kayla” was staying with her. Jasmine is about a year older than you and a lot more active. For the wedding I dressed you in a navy blue and white dress which were the same colours as what I was wearing. I don’t normally match you up but it was kind of fun. The wedding was beautiful and your Dad did an amazing best man speech. I think his speech will go down in history. Lol.

Emma and Darrion

Family photo at the wedding

 In Greece we stayed on a farm just outside of Athens, with Stel, Katie and Stels parents (who don’t speak English). It was so welcoming being embedded in the whole Greek culture. They are so loving, sharing and also loud. We would eat dinner at 10:30pm and the neighbours would join us.  The food in Greece was so tasty and yet so simple.

Our Greek family.

The Greek landscape seemed African but with a twist. Olive trees, fig trees and grape vines surrounded the house. It was super hot with temperatures reaching a high of 40 degrees Celsius some days. The sea was warm and calm. (No major waves)

In Greece, we would spend hours just hanging out on the bed. Sometimes it was too hot to go to the beach and I struggled to get into the whole siesta time (sleeping in the afternoon). So I would play with you when you were not sleeping. You were full of laughs and giggles and I would try encourage you to crawl. You haven’t fully crawled yet but you are very, very close.

You would love it when we bathed you outside.

In Greece it was your first beach/water moment, Dad and I took joy in seeing how you reacted to it all. The texture of the sand running through your toes intrigued you, the sounds of the waves scared you and the splashing of the water with your hands fascinated you. We would float in the water together like we were mermaids. Then I would have to cut the experience short coz you would dip your hand in the water and then taste it too many times. I think you are like me…you love your salt.

During the warm summer nights we would go for dinner and you would enjoy sitting in your pram anticipating what food you could have. I would give you bread to play with and little finger foods coz you would have eaten your baby food already. The snacks would keep you entertained when we were eating. When you were tired you would just fall asleep in the pram as if you were at home. It was quite an adjustment being awake so late for dinner…even for Dad and I, coz their normal dinner time was 10pm. But you hardly ever gave us problems and I just wanted to thank you for that.   

This was a very hot day but loads of fun in Athens

 Something that is super exciting is that your auntie Katie is 6 months pregnant. It was a super surprise for us all but I was so excited to be with her during this time. We got to share pregnancy stories and I tried to calm her fears on the labour process by showing her videos of the day you were born. She is going to have a baby girl…just like you J. Maybe that is why you loved playing with auntie Katie…coz there was a mini you inside her. Uncle Stel was always full of energy when he was with you. His voice would go a tone louder everytime he spoke to you (it would sometimes give me a fright). He would sing – “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” with real zeal and enthusiasm and you would just beam with excitement and start clapping. It was funny coz sometimes he would sing – “If you know it and you are happy clap your hands” (the tune was right but the words were so off lol) Lol.

I was super glad that you were a good baby but I realised something while travelling. If you look stressed and flustered and have a child with you, they usually let you go ahead of the queue. This was a bit of a bummer because you made us look so calm and composed….so we would have to wait in the queue like normal people. It wasn’t a problem because you were the entertainment for the queue. People would just shoot you smiles and you would smile back. You loved seeing other kids. You would get all excited and point at them with a high pitched scream.

Well I hope the photos tell more about our vacation. I am looking forward to travelling with you more.

I love you always,

Mom

Travelling Medicine

When preparing to fly with Kayla I thought for sure there should be some medicine that could help with the cabin pressure or to ease the stress of flying. I was quite nervous because we would be flying 8hours to Abu Dhabi then another 4 hours to Manchester….then we would reroute back to Johannesburg through Greece. That was a heck of a lot of flying.  Anyways while in Dischem (pharmacy) I decided to ask an African Male chemist who offered some assistance.

He didn’t know of anything specific but he did recommend Entressdruppels which is a German herbal medicine which I had heard of before. About a month after Kayla was born we went to visit Avon’s Auntie in Aldo’s. She was adamant that I should apply the stuff on Kayla’s scalp whenever I go outdoors. She did a whole demonstration on Kayla for me and even gave me some to take home. While driving home the potent smell of the Entressdruppels filled the car …it smelt of tar and vowed that I would never use it. You must know that by this time I had had a lot of tips and recommendations on what to do with Kayla so this was just one of the ones I wasn't going to use. The second time I heard of it was when I was on my way to the shops in Nhlangano, Swaziland (rural part of Swaziland) and Avon’s Grandmother told me I should put it on Kayla because I was going to be around Swazi’s. I was so offended by it because I thought she was being racist, but then Avon’s mom did some further explaining. Apparently Swazi’s are known for carrying herbal medicine on them especially in the rural areas. Some of the medicine is for healing and some is for Mootie to gain wealth, punish your husbands mistress  or whatever witchcraft might be needed for.  I am aware of this because I grew up in Swaziland and know most Swazi’s are deep into medicinal herbs and culture. However some of these “mooties” are very strong and dangerous for babies…apparently so bad that if a child inhales the mooty the baby could die..or it could just enter the baby through the soft scalp. Avon’s mom shared several stories of babies that had been affected by it..some died one had to go get the Sangoma (traditional healer) to reverse it. The stories gave me the jibbers and made me think...was this all true? Were those cases of child death something else rather than mootie??? Part of me didn’t want to believe a word of it but another part of me didn’t want to take the risk either. Needless to say that particular day I didn’t take Kayla into the rural Swazi shopping centre.

So you can imagine how baffled I was when the chemist recommended this remedy.
Kanya: “you are joking with me right?”
Chemist: “No seriously every time I take my child on the bus I use it. And my son is 14months old! It helps with the motion sickness.”
Kanya: “My husbands family mentioned this stuff but I assumed it was just a coloured old school remedy that didn’t work.”
Chemist: “It works!”
Kanya: “But what about all those stories about babies inhaling mootie ect. Isn’t that why it is used?”
Chemist: “Well the remedy does have a history to it. But I am recommending it as a calming motion sickness remedy. Just take a drop and rubb it on the scalp of the baby, behind the ears, under the armpits and even between the legs.”

Kanya: “Well if you say it is a medicine rather than a mootie blocker …then yes I will use it. I don’t want to start getting all superstitious about things.”

So I left the shop with the small bottle of Entressdruppels. I used the Entressdrupples as recommended and Kayla was as calm and as normal as ever during every flight. I can’t say it was the medicine entirely. But I wasn’t going to fly with out it! Maybe I am a bit superstitious lol.

Letters to Kayla

Dear Kayla,

The month of May has really swept us away, I am even surprised I could even have a moment to write to you. But this letter has been playing in my mind for quite a while and I feel if I don’t write to you I will forget all the beautiful details I want to remember and want you to remember.

Kayla you are now 7 months and a week and my angel you have finally learnt how to say Ma Ma. It was so amazing when we realised you were saying it because it was a cross between a cry and a mumble of words. Then you just said it clearly in the middle of the night while half asleep “Maaaaa Maaaa.” Your dad and I had to giggle because it was clear that you only said Maaa maa when you wanted something and were not to happy. And Da Da is the sound you make when you are happy. I am trying to get you to realise that Ma ma is actually me your mother and not a word you say when you upset. “OH Mother!”

We took you on your second visit to Swaziland last week. I must admit you were a lot better in the car than your first visit which was during Christmas time. I think you love cars just as much as your dad does. You laugh when I make the sounds of a car Vvrrrrroommm Vrrrrooom and get excited with anticipation when I repeat it again. Maybe you are actually making fun of me because none of the cars we drive make a sound like that.

Dad has really started pouring into his passion – Cars. It is very exciting because he gets to test drive cars and write all about his experience on his blog (www.amotion.co.za). You probably don’t know the real difference sitting in your car seat but we have got the opportunity of driving in some very cool cars. When we were in Swaziland we drove in the Mini Countryman which made me feel like we were in a Cartoon car. I must admit we did look a bit awkward having that car packed and travelling with you in it. I am sure people were like “That sure ain’t a family car guys!”  I personally wasn’t used to people looking at us, well I guess it wasn’t us, it was the car. I didn’t realise how unique the car was till I realised that I hadn’t seen many of these kinda cars on the road.

There were four of us couples who planned the trip to Swaziland and we had such a great time just being out of the city. Although we were the only ones with a kid I think you started to get the other couples quite broody. It was quite nice for me because I actually got to have a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep while the others took turns looking after you. We spent time with your  Sekuru (my father) who was so happy to have the house full again since Ambuya (my mother) was in Canada for the month helping uncle Hama and aunty Giselle with your cousin Xaria. We also got to spend time with grandma and grandpa Middleton in Big Bend. It was so hot in Big Bend but so relaxing. I personally loved being back in the sugarcane landscapes. It reminded me of my childhood days in Mananga.

Being back home in Swaziland really got your dad and I thinking and missing how simple life is out there. We love Johannesburg and its drive and how sophisticated it is, but it really gets me thinking how much longer we will be able to keep up? Living in a complex does get a bit claustrophobic and I personally don’t like the idea of you being a city girl. I would want you to climb trees, ride your bike through sugarcane fields and dirt roads, build mud houses and discover life outside of the city, like we did. If living in a big house in the country would mean us working harder and spending less time as a family then I would not want it. Can we really have it all?

Anyways those are just the thoughts on Mommy’s mind. Love you so much.

Mommy