What I know For Sure

That God made us in his perfection,
That He is my creator and I should respect him.

That forgiveness is not an easy choice,
That you should trust God and listen to His voice.

That I am uniquely designed when I look at my reflection,
That God will always be my protection.

That when I choose to dance, draw and write I express my passion,
That having a smile on my face never goes out of fashion.

That each day that comes could be my last,
That when trials & confusion come we should pray and fast.

That a moment spent with loved ones is never a mistake.
That you can never have too many friends that are great.

That I should never stop being me or give up dreaming
We all have a light to shine, we should do our best to keep it beaming.

Are you a Winna?

At the intersection of William Nicole and Lone hill (by checkers) an energetic young man sells homeless magazines to the passer bys. He is very hard to miss because every time he approaches a car he shoots you down with a beaming smile from ear to ear. Yes he is homeless, yes he is trying to get by just like you and me. But when you see him I am sure you will ask yourself the same question that I asked “Why is he so happy?”

The first time I noticed the man I was on my way home from a long day at the office. The traffic was backed up right into Lone hill Residential area and all I wanted to do was get through this traffic light. I wasn’t interested in no hawker harassment, no newspaper nothing. I usually avoid any conversation at any intersection. I just turn away but when I saw this guy I was intrigued. I saw him wave genuinely to the car in front of me. He stopped and smiled had a brief chat and walked away. I didn’t get to talk to him but I promised that I would do something different next time.

So the next day I took the very same route and this time I had just enough time to get a word in to the man. He waved as usual and I slowly rolled down my window as I approached him. “Hello my friend!” he said with spunk and a slight bounce to his walk.
“Hello, how are you?” I tried to say with just as much energy.
“ aaaa I am good, I am good!”
“What’s your name?” I asked
“Winna” he said confidently
“Winna…like a Winner? Wow. So what are you selling?” I curiously asked.
“Aaa Mem it is the Homeless newspaper, you can buy if you want”
“Sorry I don’t have money today, but I will buy it tomorrow!”
He smiled…”no problem!” and he gave it to me! I awkwardly drove off as if I had just stolen from a homeless guy.

But the encounter interested me so much. I wondered if he was really homeless. Where did he go at the end of the day? And why is it that he is so happy?.. I mean he seems to where the same cloths every day.

From then on our relationship built up and every time I approached that intersection I would look out for him. Just to say hi see how things are going. Our encounters grew from an awkward conversation through a window to a full handshake and honest talk. People in cars around me would look at us strangely and somewhat curious. He would tell me if the drivers are being rude today or not. I would tell him if the day was good or not. Sometimes I would give him whatever I could but other times we would just talk. No expectations just two strangers whose paths just happened to cross.

After about two months of travelling that same route I had to start taking a different route. This other route was a bit quicker and less congested but the only fall back was I missed my daily 30seconds -1 minute conversation with Winna. After a month of not seeing him I wondered if he even noticed.

Then I accidentally took the Winna route. I approached the intersection and to my surprise Winna came running to the car with a big smile. “Where have you been my friend? Yo yo yo yo…eish I thought you were dead!”

I was shocked this guy was genuinely concerned about me. For that moment I felt like wow I meant something to him and I didn’t even give him anything really…just my time and attention. I actually felt bad that my absence lead him to believe his worst scenario. What this whole encounter really made me think was – am I a Winna? When the circumstances of life hit the fan – do I still smile at a stranger? Yes okay maybe this was Winna’s job but at the end of the day who is really better off? Is it the guy that leaves his job to no home but still has a smile on his face or the man who comes to a home bitter and angry about life. Winna stirred something inside of me that only he could do. When the troubles of life come is my spirit in check? Depression, stress and relationships all have their ups and downs; but God is constant and His Love is more that enough to get you through this life. Be a Winna!

Rejection and Cloudy Days

It’s a gloomy Thursday morning and it sucks to be at work when you could have possibly been at a shoot. The real question that was on my mind was “how am I doing with rejection?” In the modelling/film industry rejection is part of the job. You go for auditions; you strut your stuff and pray that they call you back and if they don’t call you back you have to learn to know that …it is not YOU…but maybe you just didn’t have what they were looking for. But that isn’t always easy… sometimes you just want to give up and give in.

So a couple of weeks ago I went for a casting call for a female product. I can’t disclose the name or the brand because it is all secret. Two days later I get into the top 30 from 200 ladies…. “Not so bad,” I think to myself. Then 2 weeks later I am in the top 14 call back list from which they choose 10 girls. I thought I was excited at top 30 but wow top 14 I was now over the roof. And not only that…this particular job pays you for the call back, which is good because most of the time you end up taking days off real work to chance it at an call-back (doesn’t guarantee you the job).

Arriving to the call-back was and event in itself. I got super lost in traffic and ended up on the other side of Jozi. The casting director called and said – YOU have 5 minutes. When someone tells you that you have 5 minutes and you still have no idea where you are….. its terrible. In the car I reached that point of - where you know if you dwelled any further on your ridiculous lost ness and lateness – you would probably cry. Two tears fell and I thought this was the last thing I needed for a call-back – bloody red eyes. I started praying and said Lord please just get me there and may they not be mad.

10minutes later I franticly parked and I ran like a mad woman across the studio parking lots. This was the studios where they shoot big Soapies…and here I was running for a bloody call back. The team looked at me and a man said “I knew it was you…I recognised you from the pictures….Dam I am good.” I was panting and almost in tears trying to explain how I had got so lost and how right now I am trying to fight tears, but I understand if they want me to go. A lady said… “Its fine just go with him to hair and makeup.” The man led me to a room and asked me to sit down. I was alone and emotional. How badly did I want this job? Was it worth the tears and stress?

In no time I was dressed in a beautiful dress, had makeup on and was in front of the camera. I wish I could tell you guys what it was about…but I would have to save it for another blog – once the add is out. But it was pretty interesting and strange.I left the studio thinking…I didn’t do so bad, I mean the guy said “good job”..that should count for something…or was he just saying it.

They were supposed to call me yesterday to tell me if I got a role in the commercial. I sat at work staring at my phone like a teenage girl waiting for her crush to call. Every text and every call made me think “Maybe that’s them.” I would think..maybe I am thinking too much… let God do his work.. But the day ended with no call and no text. I tired not to take it to personally and I did have those talks with God “But why God L this would have made me happy..what was the point…am I missing something…what are you trying to teach me here.”

I know rejection is part of life but gosh it sucks. I guess the point is that we shouldn’t take it personally and just trust that God has a even better plan in store for us. There will be other jobs, other call backs we just got to keep our heads up and move forward. Maybe I am writing this just to re-assure/comfort myself. And it has helped.

29th Birthday with Family

My birthday weekend had me really thinking, what is family, who is family and can we actually put boundaries and define family. I think this old age has me really looking at my life, the lives around me and the lives to come.

Seeing everyone seated around the table at my birthday breakfast bash made me think wow it’s amazing the new lives that have now become family and the family that has always been family. Regan was Avons best friend as one point but here he was now our brother inlaw. And here was Yash who might as well be family too since he has been Avon and Reagans friends since high school. Being with mom and dad on my birthday was extra special since we hadn’t spent it together in over 12 years.

At Chang and Bianca’s wedding, I got the sense of community and love present in a not so typically structured family. I say not so typically structured because typically would be – each child being brought up by their biological parents. But this was not the case for both Bianca and Chang as they had been brought up with fathers that were not their biological fathers. And although most of us would think …”gosh it must have been hard not being brought up by your real dad.” And I am sure they probably dealt with their own internal searches and battles of who their biological father was. But what we really should be thinking about is how God actually gave them a real father to look after them. After hearing both uncle Howards (Avon’s dad) and Chris (Biancas.. step dad) speaks I got a strong sense that these were the Dads that were destined to raise these children up. Both of the fathers were good examples to them both and you could just see and hear that they loved their adopted child as if it were their own.

But my thoughts didn’t end there… I was also moved when I went over to chill with my brother and sister inlaws..Micheal, Erica, Amanda and Lucile. These young adults are 4 of 5 children who Auntie Ethel took into her home, when their parents abandoned them. At this moment I, for the first time, sensed a strong bond amongst the siblings. Similar to the bond I felt when I was with my siblings. Maybe I hadn’t sensed it before because I hadn’t observed them much when they were all together. But I realised then that if it wasn’t for Auntie Ethel and Uncle Howard (my mother in law) opening their home to them.. this bond of love wouldn’t be present. It hurt me to think of where in the world they would have been. But I was so comforted when I saw how happy they are now.

Afterwards I went over to chill with Dad maybe he had answers to my curious wonder of family. Without even saying a word to him he turned to me and just said “Kanya you are the head of the herd now.” He put his hand over my shoulder. “This is your family now and you need to lead them, be there for them care for them, be an example to the children that come after you.” There was a long pause of silence and I let the words sink in. I thought of my new family, my inlaws that I will one day be looking after, my new siblings that would one day follow in Avon and my footsteps. Gosh the thought of where life puts us just fascinated me. Who knows what is to come, where we would be headed who we would be families too. We don’t really have a choice of who our family would be….God places certain people in our lives …be it biological or not. I wondered if I would even manage with the family that would come our way. Then my dad said “and He will be there for you!” And I just took the words all in my mind I repeated those words “and He will be there for you!” And thought “Lord may I not forget these words.”

God are You here? (Reflections from the movie Eat Pray Love)

Last night, October 7th, my good friend, Parusha Naidoo (Goodhope FM, DJ) and I attended the premier for Eat, Pray, Love, and what an enlightening movie it was.

The movie wasn’t a typical happy-go-lucky kind of a movie but a deep spiritual search with its highs and lows. The movie really shows how it isn’t always easy trying to listen to that inner voice, it isn’t easy to find your self (and do we ever really?), it isn’t always easy to forgive ourselves or others and it isn’t always easy to find God and peace in this world. But it does require a search as it so clearly shows in the movie.

Eat, Pray, love ignited moments in my life when I was searching for the deeper meaning and purpose; when I was trying to figure life out. I remember going up to “Gods Window” in Grasskop thinking maybe I would find God there. It was the most gloomiest days of that summer and I hiked right up to the top of this mountain alone…thinking for sure I would find God or God would find me. As I hiked up, the clouds came down and it became dark as I walked through the rain forest vegetation. I started to feel like I was not alone, yet there was no one around me. I got to the edge of the mountain where you supposedly would look over the clouds as if you were looking out of Gods window.

Breathless and tired I sat on the damp rock with the mist surrounding me and talked to God in my mind. I said “Okay God I am here. . . You could have at least have removed these clouds for me. I can barely see you. I have driven 3 hours alone…Where are you?” Still there was nothing. Isn’t it sad that we expect God to do some miracle to prove himself to us as if he is on our time and that we are not on his. I waited for God and soon my fears came to haunt me. You are alone Kanya…if you died right here no one would know.Do you really think people care about you? My mom had already said it was a stupid idea for me to be in the mountains alone. Suddenly I felt like she was right. I got scared. “God remove these fears.” I got a brief moment of suicide which had never crossed my mind. I panicked and began to run down the mountain, like a child that had just seen a ghost. I ran as if my life depended on it. As soon as I came to the open path, a busload of tourists were right in front of me. I stopped dead in my tracks and began to walk as if nothing had happened.

Although I was mad that I didn’t feel Gods presence or didn’t have that Godly moment which I was so searching, I realised that when we begin to search for God – the devil searches for us. The devil loves it when we are unhappy, when we are senseless and engulfed in unhealthy relationships, money and greed. These are the false illustrations of happiness and our inner being screams until it isn’t heard anymore. God rescues us by saying “Wake up there is more to life!” hopes that inner feeling will move us into a search for Him.

I think we all have different paths that God has called us to walk on.- when he calls us or when we realise He is actually real. It could be to leave all your treasures and find Him? It could be to leave the person you love in order to find the maker of Love, it could be to be in a place where you feel the presence of evil and realise then there must be a God. Whatever it is and whenever it happens you will know…your heart gets stirred up and you acknowledge this void that only God can fill. When it does don’t think about yourself…you will be just as confused. Just like the beginning of the movie, she got on her knees and prayed and God lead her step by step. Just get down on your knees and pray, and the light will begin to shine through the darkness.
God hears every prayer and counts every tear that falls J.