Letters to Kayla

Dear Kayla,

The month of May has really swept us away, I am even surprised I could even have a moment to write to you. But this letter has been playing in my mind for quite a while and I feel if I don’t write to you I will forget all the beautiful details I want to remember and want you to remember.

Kayla you are now 7 months and a week and my angel you have finally learnt how to say Ma Ma. It was so amazing when we realised you were saying it because it was a cross between a cry and a mumble of words. Then you just said it clearly in the middle of the night while half asleep “Maaaaa Maaaa.” Your dad and I had to giggle because it was clear that you only said Maaa maa when you wanted something and were not to happy. And Da Da is the sound you make when you are happy. I am trying to get you to realise that Ma ma is actually me your mother and not a word you say when you upset. “OH Mother!”

We took you on your second visit to Swaziland last week. I must admit you were a lot better in the car than your first visit which was during Christmas time. I think you love cars just as much as your dad does. You laugh when I make the sounds of a car Vvrrrrroommm Vrrrrooom and get excited with anticipation when I repeat it again. Maybe you are actually making fun of me because none of the cars we drive make a sound like that.

Dad has really started pouring into his passion – Cars. It is very exciting because he gets to test drive cars and write all about his experience on his blog (www.amotion.co.za). You probably don’t know the real difference sitting in your car seat but we have got the opportunity of driving in some very cool cars. When we were in Swaziland we drove in the Mini Countryman which made me feel like we were in a Cartoon car. I must admit we did look a bit awkward having that car packed and travelling with you in it. I am sure people were like “That sure ain’t a family car guys!”  I personally wasn’t used to people looking at us, well I guess it wasn’t us, it was the car. I didn’t realise how unique the car was till I realised that I hadn’t seen many of these kinda cars on the road.

There were four of us couples who planned the trip to Swaziland and we had such a great time just being out of the city. Although we were the only ones with a kid I think you started to get the other couples quite broody. It was quite nice for me because I actually got to have a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep while the others took turns looking after you. We spent time with your  Sekuru (my father) who was so happy to have the house full again since Ambuya (my mother) was in Canada for the month helping uncle Hama and aunty Giselle with your cousin Xaria. We also got to spend time with grandma and grandpa Middleton in Big Bend. It was so hot in Big Bend but so relaxing. I personally loved being back in the sugarcane landscapes. It reminded me of my childhood days in Mananga.

Being back home in Swaziland really got your dad and I thinking and missing how simple life is out there. We love Johannesburg and its drive and how sophisticated it is, but it really gets me thinking how much longer we will be able to keep up? Living in a complex does get a bit claustrophobic and I personally don’t like the idea of you being a city girl. I would want you to climb trees, ride your bike through sugarcane fields and dirt roads, build mud houses and discover life outside of the city, like we did. If living in a big house in the country would mean us working harder and spending less time as a family then I would not want it. Can we really have it all?

Anyways those are just the thoughts on Mommy’s mind. Love you so much.

Mommy 

The Awkward Rhythm

The Essentials magazine came out this week and I had this grand plan of uploading every detail about my experience, blog by blog but the whole plan and inspiration left me as quick as it came. This week has been so busy that I haven’t spent enough time drawing from my real source of inspiration which comes from spending time with God. It’s quite amazing how this lack of time with God just creates a domino effect on everything else in my life….I get more anxious, my mind and ego gets the best of me and a whole lot more negative thoughts seem to pollute my mind.

Given my frame of mind and space that I was in….. you wanna know my real reaction when I saw myself on the cover of Essentials Magazine? .....NOTHING. I didn’t think, Wow there I am or feel proud or anything of the sort. All I could think of was how huge I was compared to all the other girls, how ugly the dress looks on me and how pale I looked. Even though I had so much fun doing the shoot and felt comfortable in my own skin at the time....looking at the cover didn't seem to move me at all.

 

 To make matters worse...When I read my blurb I got even more negative …..because in my mind it all read very selfish. “Kanya do you really think you are going to write a book? What makes you so special? So what, you are on the cover of a magazine!!!! Big deal! You won a competition which got you to be a fashion editor - it ain’t like you are Oprah or Beyonce – people with some real talent!”...Yes these were the thoughts which were polluting my mind.

 

These negative thoughts created a dead-end in my blogging inspiration. I had somehow felt not good enough to even blog because I had created a difficult imaginary audience in front of me. It was an audience that critiqued my every sentence, thought and experience. I felt intimidated and insignificant. It was so frustrating for me because I genuinely wanted to write but nothing was coming to me and couldn’t quite figure out why.

Then I lay in my bed this evening after reading an email from a friend who said she couldn’t help but pass this blog onto her other friends…. and that was when I came face to face with these negative thoughts! I asked myself “when someone comes to your blog what are they reading about?” My answer…to myself of course was “My Rhythm of Life!”  … “So why are you not writing about this Rhythm?” All of a sudden I realised that these negative thoughts were not from God and they were not healthy and I needed to release myself from them.....and what helps me get release is through writing even if i am not sure of why or what.

So here I am, sitting up in the middle of the night, writing about my awkward Rhythm, which wasn't exactly how I wanted to reveal my Essentials experience. But I guess that is just going to have to do for now. 

I am sure I am not the only one out there that brings themselves down like this. It happens to the best of us but the real task is finding a way to remove yourself from that negative space and for me that is by spending time focusing on God. Boy am I excited for Sunday morning Worship at Church!