Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Rhythm of My Pregnancy: SIAM the unknown Gift (Week 14)

Not knowing the sex of your baby really builds anticipation inside you, almost like Christmas is coming and you don’t know what you are going to get in that big present under the Christmas tree. But just like Christmas you don’t want to be disappointed with that present so you don’t want to envision it too much, but how do you do that when the gift you are getting is also a gift to others because with it comes their own expectations?

We found our unisex tummy name for our baby which really helps with getting confused with calling it ‘it’ or he or she. The name is ……SIAM. Ya I know it sounds like an Asian town and if you have any complaints please talk to Reagan. While on honeymoon in Thailand Reagan had a dream we named our child SIAM. Given that we probably won’t name our child that name we thought we would honour his dream and call the baby that for now while it is in the tummy.

Seeing Siam at the twelve week scan was just as amazing as our first scan because this time SIAM waved to us. I was watching SIAM and wondering what are you SIAM, are you beautiful or handsome…but either way I felt so connected to the small figure which was squirming away in my tummy. That wave was like SIAM was saying “Hey mom and dad, I got this J!” Then SIAM got hic-ups it was just so cute seeing the whole body move from just one hic-up. We saw the legs arms and fingers which was absolutely amazing. I just wanted to hold SIAM and whisper sweet nothings in his/her ear.

When I saw the scan I had a very strange sense that SIAM could be a boy and a whole lot of different emotions began to work in me. It was like sensing what your Christmas present might be but not actually knowing and the latter actually making you anxious. This anxiety actually had a root to it though.  Since I have been pregnant and not known the sex of our child I have grown a strong intolerance to family members who are convinced they know the sex of our child. Maybe it is a selfish thing because I have been realising that this gift that was under the Christmas tree wasn’t actually all mine but a gift for many….and just like I envisioned what the gift might be so did they. The difference was my in-laws would voice their wishes and that put fuel to my fire of anxiety and irritation…and it got to the point where I couldn’t keep blaming my mood swings and silence on – “The Hormones!”

You see my in-law’s want a boy and are 100% convinced that I am carrying one. I think I would be fine if their comments and opinions were just a once off event. But it soon got to the point where they were asking how is our grandson doing and every oldwives tale always pointed to “A BOY!” … “If baby girls like you it means you are having a boy, if you are stand-offish with your husband it means you are having a boy.” No matter what I did it always was a Boy. My internal irritations mad me feel bad on so many different levels. One level being that, if I was carrying a girl I would not feel like I met their expectations…their Christmas present. I would feel like a parent that didn’t buy the right gift for their child and yet it was something beyond my control. On the other level I was worried about resenting having a boy because I was meeting their expectations, it would be as if I was receiving their Christmas present and not mine…..and because their wishes were irritating me I would be afraid of being disappointed with a boy. …..I know, I know….my emotions are just sounding complicated right??? But this was what was going on deep down inside and every time a boy was mentioned I would go super quiet and not want to talk to anyone. But I realised this silent treatment actually doesn’t work well when you are pregnant…it communicates nothing.

So when I was alone with my mother-in law and my irritation levels were not getting the best of me, I decided it was time to confront the matter. So I asked politely that if it were possible could she and dad please stop referring to our child as a grandson and explained my reasons. I thought I would cry but I was pretty calm about it and mom acknowledged my concern and discomfort. Since that day I have felt at peace about what I was carrying because the truth is that whether it is a boy or girl it really is a Gift from God……like a gift from Father Christmas J.

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Kanya - you write so much but I feel like I'm talking to you. I'm feeling emotional with you as you write. Here's my opinon, for what it's worth. Don't find out the sex of your baby - there are very few surprises in life. And as you said - either boy or a girl - Siam will be a gift from God.

    Siam. you know people will still be calling your child Siam once they are born. I found myself googling the name and was educated about the history of Thailand. deep. Maybe you should deliver your baby in Siam. That would be cool. Get your baby's passport working early - because they need to come to Canada!

    Luv ya,