Monday, February 28, 2011

Lets Talk About Love

As it is/was the Month of Love I thought I would write a blog on Love. If you are in a relationship and you are not quite sure if it is Love, if you are not in a relationship but are thinking about it and the concept of Love…well this blog might just be for you.

I used to think that Love just grows…So if you spend enough time with that person, if you adjust myself to that person….then you will start to love that person. I do still think Love grows but that is only one component of Love. There is so much more to Love than just a four letter word.

Before I proceed with my love points I want to really emphasise something which is so crucial in the journey of unconditional Love…..and that is God is Love! Eish….some of you might be thinking “Kanya do you really have to go into the religious aspects of it!!!!” My answer is YES and why I am so adamant about this is because I never found unconditional love until I found GOD! Yes you could have different aspects/personal idealistic sides of Love. But true genuine Love comes from God! And if it didn’t come from God then where did it come from…the Devil??? I highly doubt that.

The devil is very creative in developing perceptions of Love….just to push you soo far of the track. So be very, very careful! The devils attempt to imitate Love is yet another four letter word that begins with L…(how original!) and that is LUST! SHO! Lust can come from all angles and it can only lead to destruction…. Pornography, lustful thoughts, adultery…even romantic books ladies… are all forms of Lust (even I was shocked). All these will lead you to a complete disillusion of Love! So once you have got the Love not Lust question out of the way…you can proceed to the following questions and points:

1. Am I myself around him/her?
If you are not acting yourself around him/her…you got a problem! You should not have to be someone else, be it look or character. If you are generally a funny person and find yourself so serious around him/her….Nope that aint Love. Love is being comfortable in your own skin, with your own flaws and allowing that same comfort in your partner.

2. Does he/she make me feel good about myself?
If you find yourself never feeling good enough for him/her….you got a problem. But first check if this is not your own problem because some people tend to bring such degrading feelings on themselves….Sort it out!

3. Does he/she bring out the Good in me and I in him?
No body wants that someone to bring out the Bad in them. This is one of the reasons why God is so important in the relationship. He helps us to forgive, He moves us towards a greater purpose together and He is truly the person who brings out the good in you and helps you to bring out the good in the other person. With out God …achieving this point can be very difficult.

4. Do we understand each others Love Language?
If you don’t know what a love language is please refer to my previous blog. If you cannot understand what that persons love language is or if you choose not to understand it then how can you love that person. Love isn’t just there for show….. it is fully present and that is why this is a language. You can express it through sign language or spoken language. Think of it this way. You cant speak Chineese to a ZULU and expect the Zulu to understand!!! BRRRR…. So don’t expect that in Love either….Learn each others love language. Take that time….and it will make a world of a difference.

5. Are our arguments Destructive or Constructive?
Destructive arguments usually come from past hurts..they can even be abusive types. If you are really serious about making this relationship work try moving towards Constructive arguments…you can’t keep bringing each other down! Get to the source of it… if it is unforgiveness you better try to forgive..if you want it to work. If it is past hurts from pervious experiences….Don’t target them to your partner…acknowledge that it isn’t them but you that needs help.

6. Do we understand each others expectations?
When Avon and I were doing our marriage counselling we had to write down what we expect from the other person. Understanding this makes the world of a difference. What are your expectations on household chores, kids, inlaws, privacy, love making ect. You name it we all have a certain level of expectations…. And when our partner falls short of these expectations it kinda hurts. But being aware of each others expectations helps avoid the miscommunication issues. So if Avon expects me to kiss him when he gets through the door I know I should…

7. Be honest with your Emotions!
I know most people try bottle emotions up, but we shouldn’t. You need to share the situation with your partner in a good and constructive way. Our thoughts can take us so far beyond what is taking place at that moment… it can be scary! Stop the thoughts dead in their tracks and confess them. It is okay to feel jealous we are only human… but how you express that emotion is crucial! What women tend to do is beat around the bushes and come up with our own crazy conclusion or maybe we nag the guy till we get what we want to hear! Or if he didn’t say something automatically means he is hiding something. …US WOMEN!!

Something we have learnt in expressing our emotions is beginning our discussion with “It makes me feel…… when this and that happens.” So for example saying it makes me feel unappreciated when you come home late!” …..the completely wrong way of saying it is “You always come home late and I can’t stand it!” Where is the construction in that. I know, I know…the later is what you really want to say…but you shouldn’t coz it doesn’t help you or the other person. But when you try saying it with your emotions it really helps you understand why you feel the way you do.

Okay I think that is all I have for now on my random points on love. There is so much more to talk about when it comes to love but you will have to call me to get it lol.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Let it Flow

I have this theory that I must cry at least once a month. It doesn’t necessarily need to be over big thing just a moment to get out the emotions that you might have felt but never let out. The frustrating part is when that cry comes at the most bizzar moments the moments when you actually don’t want to cry or not suppose to cry.
Like crying in an INTERVIEW! Well the story goes like this.. I was in university and I had managed to land my first co-op interview after all my friends had already landed jobs. Taruvinga. The interview was on camps so I had got dressed pretty smart and made sure I had plenty of time to get there. I entered the building 20 minutes before the time and sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes. I read through my notes and tried to think of all the reasons why I would be a good science teacher for a summer camp. Then I noticed that my name was not coming up on the screen so I went over to check at the reception. Only to find out that I was in the wrong building and that the interview was taking place in some Engineering office. I went into complete panic mode because I knew that the Engineering department was like Chinese to me because every time I had a class there I always got lost.

Out of breath and almost drenched in rain…. I finally found the office 10 minutes late for the interview. They said that they could still see me and I was relieved. I kept telling myself “Kanya keep it together! Kanya Keep it together!” And I was doing fine. Then I sat down in front of the pair that were interviewing me and tried to answer their first question. I knew exactly how to answer the question…I had my points. But something kicked in me “Kanya you were late! These guys are not going to give you the job! This is just embarrassing!” Those are the beat yourself up kind of thoughts… destroy them when they enter your mind. I tried and failed.

YUP! Youbet cha I cried. You know when your eyes are just swelling up out of nowhere….you are still talking though and pretending as if there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! Then it was way to obvious to hide the tears and I apologised... cried some more blew my snotty nose. The lady seemed to understand but I could tell the gentle man was a bit uncomfortable. I then composed myself and went through the interview with super confidence! So much so that I actually got the Job. Maybe they thought I was just the right person because I was connected with my emotions…so therefore could connect with kids. Who knows!

But my point is….let it out and don’t be ashamed of it. What you might think is a weakness could actually be strength! My husband now understands me when I say I just need to cry. When I feel that build up I take a moment and just let it all flow! My thought is it is better to let your emotions come out like that than through something else…. Bitterness, anger, irritability, drugs, who knows. I would rather let the tears flow and know can only get better after this :).