The Rhythm of My Pregnancy: Couch Time! (2nd Trimester)

Avon and I had no idea what to expect in a Pre-parenting class but we were so glad we decided to join it because there were so many different tips we learnt about being parents and how to care for a child. It was also good to share stories, fears and experiences with other mothers and expecting mothers. We followed a Pre-parenting book/DVD series which was quite old but very real in what we need to learn about Growing a God Centred Family. I will attempt to share with you bits and pieces here and there through-out my blog but for now I will start with day one – The Marriage.

In our first lesson we went straight to the foundation of a family and that is the Marriage. I think sometimes it is only natural for us to put our children first before our spouses. But apparently the marriage is number one in the family and then the kids come next. …That is exactly how God intended it to be. Just being together isn’t all a child need. We learnt that children feel loved when they see their parents loving each other. As we went through the lesson I sensed a lot of us reflecting on how we viewed our parents love for each other and also how we would be as parents. I could picture each of us thinking of a time when our mom and dad were not getting along. When a child witnesses mommy and daddy fighting or not getting along they automatically think divorce. In the parents view the fight may be so small and insignificant to even equate to a divorce but in a child’s perspective it is massive- it is almost like the child’s whole world is falling apart. We learnt that some children may not express this verbally but the effects are visible in their poor sleep patterns, eating habits, school work ect. Apparently kids are like sponges they just sense the tension and just absorb it. It really made me think how vulnerable children really are.

Another interesting aspect we learnt about was “Couch Time.” This is a specific time where mom and dad have time as a couple and not with the children. It is important that the children understand that this is the time for mommy and daddy and that it is done out of love for each other. So at a certain time of the day e.g after work, you take 15 or so minutes to just sit together and talk and enjoy each others company…with out children distractions. I would think “gosh we can just talk when we get to bed and the kids are sleeping.” But the whole point is defeated because it is important for the child/children to see that bond between mom and dad. MMMmm interesting hu!

Following these tips are probably easier said than done.  I can already see myself thinking more about the food that needs to be on the table or the baby that needs a bath or my cloths that need changing. But this lesson helped me understand the importance of the marriage bond and maybe a couple of years down the line I will re-read this blog and go…… “Wow I just gotta be reminded…Marriage is first!”....and I will get back onto that couch with Avon. 

Lets Talk About Love

As it is/was the Month of Love I thought I would write a blog on Love. If you are in a relationship and you are not quite sure if it is Love, if you are not in a relationship but are thinking about it and the concept of Love…well this blog might just be for you.

I used to think that Love just grows…So if you spend enough time with that person, if you adjust myself to that person….then you will start to love that person. I do still think Love grows but that is only one component of Love. There is so much more to Love than just a four letter word.

Before I proceed with my love points I want to really emphasise something which is so crucial in the journey of unconditional Love…..and that is God is Love! Eish….some of you might be thinking “Kanya do you really have to go into the religious aspects of it!!!!” My answer is YES and why I am so adamant about this is because I never found unconditional love until I found GOD! Yes you could have different aspects/personal idealistic sides of Love. But true genuine Love comes from God! And if it didn’t come from God then where did it come from…the Devil??? I highly doubt that.

The devil is very creative in developing perceptions of Love….just to push you soo far of the track. So be very, very careful! The devils attempt to imitate Love is yet another four letter word that begins with L…(how original!) and that is LUST! SHO! Lust can come from all angles and it can only lead to destruction…. Pornography, lustful thoughts, adultery…even romantic books ladies… are all forms of Lust (even I was shocked). All these will lead you to a complete disillusion of Love! So once you have got the Love not Lust question out of the way…you can proceed to the following questions and points:

1. Am I myself around him/her?

If you are not acting yourself around him/her…you got a problem! You should not have to be someone else, be it look or character. If you are generally a funny person and find yourself so serious around him/her….Nope that aint Love. Love is being comfortable in your own skin, with your own flaws and allowing that same comfort in your partner.

2. Does he/she make me feel good about myself?

If you find yourself never feeling good enough for him/her….you got a problem. But first check if this is not your own problem because some people tend to bring such degrading feelings on themselves….Sort it out!

3. Does he/she bring out the Good in me and I in him?

No body wants that someone to bring out the Bad in them. This is one of the reasons why God is so important in the relationship. He helps us to forgive, He moves us towards a greater purpose together and He is truly the person who brings out the good in you and helps you to bring out the good in the other person. With out God …achieving this point can be very difficult.

4. Do we understand each others Love Language?
If you don’t know what a love language is please refer to my previous blog. If you cannot understand what that persons love language is or if you choose not to understand it then how can you love that person. Love isn’t just there for show….. it is fully present and that is why this is a language. You can express it through sign language or spoken language. Think of it this way. You cant speak Chineese to a ZULU and expect the Zulu to understand!!! BRRRR…. So don’t expect that in Love either….Learn each others love language. Take that time….and it will make a world of a difference.

5. Are our arguments Destructive or Constructive?

Destructive arguments usually come from past hurts..they can even be abusive types. If you are really serious about making this relationship work try moving towards Constructive arguments…you can’t keep bringing each other down! Get to the source of it… if it is unforgiveness you better try to forgive..if you want it to work. If it is past hurts from pervious experiences….Don’t target them to your partner…acknowledge that it isn’t them but you that needs help.

6. Do we understand each others expectations?

When Avon and I were doing our marriage counselling we had to write down what we expect from the other person. Understanding this makes the world of a difference. What are your expectations on household chores, kids, inlaws, privacy, love making ect. You name it we all have a certain level of expectations…. And when our partner falls short of these expectations it kinda hurts. But being aware of each others expectations helps avoid the miscommunication issues. So if Avon expects me to kiss him when he gets through the door I know I should…

7. Be honest with your Emotions!

I know most people try bottle emotions up, but we shouldn’t. You need to share the situation with your partner in a good and constructive way. Our thoughts can take us so far beyond what is taking place at that moment… it can be scary! Stop the thoughts dead in their tracks and confess them. It is okay to feel jealous we are only human… but how you express that emotion is crucial! What women tend to do is beat around the bushes and come up with our own crazy conclusion or maybe we nag the guy till we get what we want to hear! Or if he didn’t say something automatically means he is hiding something. …US WOMEN!!

Something we have learnt in expressing our emotions is beginning our discussion with “It makes me feel…… when this and that happens.” So for example saying it makes me feel unappreciated when you come home late!” …..the completely wrong way of saying it is “You always come home late and I can’t stand it!” Where is the construction in that. I know, I know…the later is what you really want to say…but you shouldn’t coz it doesn’t help you or the other person. But when you try saying it with your emotions it really helps you understand why you feel the way you do.

Okay I think that is all I have for now on my random points on love. There is so much more to talk about when it comes to love but you will have to call me to get it lol.