The very next day after I had shared my pregnancy with my friend and after I had my little one on one with God, I woke up to bright red spotting. I knew this wasn’t normal but tried not to freak out (FYI: brown spotting is okay….bright red means you gotta get checked). So I got dressed for work as usual, whispered in Avon’s ear “Pray for me love, my spotting isn’t normal!” and headed out the door.
On my way to work I got stuck in some horrific Johannesburg traffic and after an hour I managed to reach the cause of the traffic congestion. Part of me wished I hadn’t seen what I had seen. On the hot ground in the middle of the N1 highway lay a African lady with a pool of blood beside her. There were paramedics around and her car was a complete write off. I got that jolting feeling about how life is so short. I thought about how she must have woken up this morning like it was a normal day. I pictured her getting dressed for work and selecting what cloths to wear. I wondered about her children and how young they were …did they know where mommy was now. As I drove the next 20minutes to the office I just cried and cried…It was like God was jolting my perceptions on life. I held my tummy and thought about the life I was carrying ….. “was there life?” Again the strangest of thoughts came to my mind. “Kanya if you had a chance to give this lady life would you give her the life you are carrying inside of you?” Sometimes I make myself sick with the thoughts that come through my head….. But this stranger that lay on the hot morning concrete of the N1 Highway seemed more desperate for life than the baby I was carrying. God was there some strange supernatural way of passing life from one person to another? What if there was? Would you do it Kanya????? Who’s to say these thoughts are mine or Gods but I drove off with a sense of. “Take this life inside of me….This lady needs that second chance …she needs time. She needs life!”…who knows maybe she wasn’t even dead?? Maybe I was just playing a messed up mind game with myself….or maybe I wasn’t. Either way I was seriously moved by the event.
By lunch time that day I realised that I needed to take this pregnancy more seriously, I needed to be checked. I called 3 gynaecologists in Pretoria and none could see me. I asked them what I must do, I felt normal and healthy I was just bleeding more than normal. They suggested I go to emergencies which I thought was a bit overrated. So I called my gynaecologist in Fourways who said I needed to come in immediately. So I told work that I needed to attend to a personal emergency and headed to Fourways.
Avon was shooting commercials that day at montecasino but again I was so chilled I said it is probably no big deal for him to come for the scan, I mean we get the DVD anyways and he could watch it at home. But I wasn’t prepared for the news I was about to receive.
Dr Brink asked me a whole lot of questions about how far along I thought I was etc. She didn’t do a urine test which I thought was weird but just went straight to the scan. The room was dark and the gel she used was cold on my stomach. The screen was up and I got excited thinking about all the times that I saw Kayla on that screen and how she was now a real kid now…she was a real life! Dr Brink moved the scanning device around and I couldn’t seem to see anything noticeable. She calmly said “It was what I thought, there is no foetus.” Did I hear correctly? Is this a dream? What does she mean? She continued by explaining that it is quite common during the first trimester for the fetus to stop developing . Dr Brink “From what I see the embryotic sac has developed but there is no fetus in it. It probably stopped around 8 weeks.” The empty sac appeared on the screen. It looked lonely and odd. Nothing like the recent video I had seen of Maita’s little one moving around in the sac, nothing like the wonderful videos of kayla….no this was just a hollow dark hole.
My heart sunk and I almost felt like I didn’t hear what I had just heard. Dr Brink said “I will give you a little moment to get dressed and we can have a chat about it!” I was now alone in the room and I felt cold. I am not sure that I was expecting this but then again I wasn’t sure what I was expecting. Suddenly I wished Avon was with me. Tears swelled up in my eyes. Lord was this really happening to me am I not in some sort of a strange dream. I was so sure I was pregnant, what had happened, what did I do wrong?
I slowly sat down at Dr Brink’s desk and spaced out as she went through what she had observed and what needs to happen. “Kanya snap out of this,” I thought. “You need to pay attention there are some tough decisions to make here” my mind continued. As Dr Brink listed my three options: Natural abortion where your system just tries to get rid of it itself; Oral abortion pills; or D and C. I don’t’ even know what a D and c was? Dr Brink “this is where we put you in theatre and scrape out your uterus!” Oh Lord! Theatre? I have never had an operation before and only been in hospital once for pneumonia when I was 14yrs old. Dr Brink “I am going to prescribe you some pills for anxiety. I have been through this before and it was also during my second pregnancy. The anxiety pills will help you sleep and help with those recurring thoughts. I understand that this isn’t easy for you but I am here to help you through this. You just need to tell me by tomorrow morning if you want to have a D & C. Then you will be scheduled for Wednesday morning surgery.”
Everything seemed to be happening so fast yet so slow. I went from thinking I was pregnant and alive to nothing….just an empty sack of water.
I smsed Avon to come meet “Not good news, need you now.!” my text said. I walked out of the hospital and the day seemed to have stood still. The sun was blazing on me…. people were walking around but I felt like I didn’t exist. This day all seemed so strange…was this the same sun that shone on the lady on the pavement this morning? Was it a different day? Lord are you there can you hear me…can you see me? I have just been bashed with bad news…were you in the room with me? I know bad things happen to people all the time but would I get through this bad news? I sat in the car and cried while I waited for Avon. That was probably my lowest moment and I hated it. I don’t like moments like this and I didn’t want it to continue.
I recalled a Youth lesson I taught on How Jesus is in the boat with us when the storms come. I was in a storm and I needed to believe that God was right there with me! Gosh it was so hard! But I wasn’t alone and I needed to be strong. I needed that courage that filtered to Katie…I needed my prayer which I prayed the night before…I needed it to come to me and now!!!! This was a perfect storm designed just for me and God was and is going to carry me through it.
After that moment I felt stronger and better. Sharing the news with Avon wasn’t easy. He was just quiet after I said it all. Then he wanted answers. “What did we do wrong? How could we have prevented this? But sometimes life doesn’t give us those kind of answers we just need to move forward trusting that God is guiding our every step and is equipping us with everything we need to get through it.
I wasn’t going to let this miscarriage destroy me or my family. I still was going to be Kanya! I wasn’t too sure what the next couple of days had in store for me so I decided that I would tell as many people as I could while I was still okay. I made it a priority to tell all my pregnant friends. I wanted them to know the details and to reassure them that I was okay. I also wanted them to know that I was glad that it was me that was going through it and not them. My blessing was Kayla and I was going to hold on to that strongly. It seemed to have hit my friends a lot harder than it had hit me.
I can’t explain how the knowledge of this miscarriage strengthened my bond with Kayla. It was like she knew I needed her love. She would follow me everywhere I walked in the house. She would kiss me and hug me and in her own way tell me that she loved me. I cherished every second and held on to her so tightly.