Like I said before this pregnancy was a lot less extravagant even when it came to sharing it with people. We didn’t do any big announcement and only shared it with people here and there. But spreading the news isn’t the easiest of tasks, especially when it comes to sharing it with close friends who are trying to fall pregnant.
One of my weaknesses is communicating with people who are struggling in a situation that I have not been through or can’t relate to. I can be deep with people love offering encouragement and advice where I can. But I feel that I am so much better at lightening the mood and telling jokes. I tend to try my best to avoid awkward moments but it is very difficult to avoid awkward moments which need to be dealt with head on, for example telling a close friend who has experienced a miscarriage that you are pregnant. That really isn’t an easy task and there is no easy way or step by step way of doing it.
What made the situation even harder was that I was taking this pregnancy so lightly …like “Oh by the way I am pregnant!” and I really felt like it wasn’t the best way to share it with this close friend of mine. The worst part was we both had hectic lives and were so busy that it was hard to find a moment when we could be alone and just be real with each other.
So the other night after our church carols her and her husband invited us to watch comedy at their place. I figured this would be a good time to tell her so we took up the invite. The challenging thing was that there were other friends that had been invited as well, some knew I was pregnant and others didn’t. So getting an alone time with her wasn’t easy.
So after a number of moments where I could have said something and didn’t I just got this huge push to just be real with her. I turned and said as least awkward as I could “I am pregnant and I have no idea how to tell you because I know you have been through so much during your miscarriage! And I haven’t had a moment where I could tell you in private and I know this isn’t the best of moments but I just have to tell you!” As I said that tears rolled down my face and that squeaky voice that comes when you really don’t want it to…the words came out fast and I wondered if I even made any sense at all. I felt like I was an emotional bomb that had just exploded. At that moment I was taken back to the moment in her very same kitchen when she asked me concerning pregnancy. I guess at the time she wanted something reassuring from someone who had gone through pregnancy before. At the time I didn’t know she was pregnant and I saw the sparkle in her eye when she said pregnant but also the fear of what my answer would be to her question. “Did you spot when you were pregnant?” I don’t remember what my answer was but I always remember that moment in her eyes. It is that moment when you are excited about being pregnant but also not sure what is normal and what isn’t.
While my thoughts came back to me she wrapped her arms around me and said “It is okay Kanya. I am so excited for you!” We chatted a bit and she shared with me something so deep. At her staff Christmas party they were asked to share one thing that she was thankful for the year. She said I know it may sound strange but the thing that came up so strongly was the miscarriage. She continued to say “I can honestly say I am thankful for what happened to me!” I couldn’t believe how strong she was and I reflected back on her testimony she shared quite soon after she had had the miscarriage. It was during one of our God First ladies church breakfasts. She spoke so confidently and so strong even though she had been through so much. During that breakfast I wondered if I could be that strong after having gone through that? And As I stood there in the kitchen listening to her, a couple of months later, and she still stood her ground….the thought came back to me again. “Lord I wonder if I could be as strong as her if it had happened to me?”
|At the Ladies breakfast listening to Joanna Jack|
|Ladies catching up and hanging out|
|Katie being Payed for before she shared her Testimony|
|Katie sharing her amazing testimony|
I went home that night feeling relieved that my final hurdle of sharing had been crossed but also feeling fearful about how fragile pregnancy is. I lay in bed thinking about all the women that were pregnant in my network of friends and family. I thought about God and life and how anything is possible, nothing is guaranteed. I got scared thinking that not all these pregnancies are going to be perfect…there are just too many of them Right?. And just that thought shook me. I turned over and prayed that God would protect all of us that were pregnant and if he needed to balance this equation of perfectness I would want to be the one that would carry the burden. I know it is strange that this thought came to my mind…It isn’t a thought that comes often. But I honestly felt like I had been blessed with Kayla having a second smooth pregnancy would just be a bonus. My prayer was also for women like my friend who were trying to fall pregnant and had experienced something so traumatic as a miscarriage. I prayed for that courage that my friend had…that it would filter through the hearts of women hurting and in pain after having a miscarriage. I prayed that that God would strengthen them and help them believe in life again.
Please note that the amazing photos used in this blog are compliments of Lorette Apple From Lorette Apple Photography. You can visit her website at http://www.loretteappel.co.za/ for further information.