If you are a sensitive reader (as in don’t like to read about blood, hurt and pain) I suggest you do not continue to read this section as it goes into a bit more detail of my miscarriage. The reason I chose to share this experience with my readers is because miscarriages are hardly talked about or shared yet one in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriages and over 80% of miscarriages occur before 12 weeks. What that tells me is that there are a lot of women out there who have experienced this and who will experience this and I hope that this blog strengthens them in some way or prepares them for a path that they could journey on someday.
It is amazing how powerful the mind can be because now that I knew that I was no longer pregnant it was like my body just took over the whole situation. I pictured my internal body cells saying “Fantastic, now that we have the mind on board we can proceed with the evacuation!” Apparently some ladies can carry this embryo sac for months without even knowing they are not pregnant. You experience every symptom of pregnancy from the hormones to the weight gain etc. The only thing that can prove you wrong is the scan! I remember Fransisca telling me a story about a friend who had given birth to water and she had so many questions about how is that possible - to carry a 'child' for 9 months and deliver water. It made no sense to me then...but it makes sense now. It really got me thinking “How far would I have gone if I hadn’t known I was pregnant?”
I called my friend who had experienced a miscarriage before and she gave me such amazing support and wisdom during this time. I realised that God’s timing was perfect. I was so glad I had told her I was pregnant when I did. She explained to me clearly what my options were and also shared with me her decisions behind what she chose. See if you choose to just naturally abort – as in just wait and see what happens you are at risk of getting an infection. You also experience heavy bleeding for a longer period of time. If you take the abortion pills it forces your body to abort and that doesn’t guarantee that everything has come out. You are given a set of different pills to take over the course of a week. With the D and C option your whole uterus is scraped out and it helps reduce the bleeding. It felt like it was a tough decision to make because I am generally all about the natural way of life but was I prepared to have weeks of heavy bleeding?… the D and C option seemed like a simpler and quicker option…and I really wanted to just put this whole experience behind me as quickly as possible – hence I booked for a D and C for the Wednesday morning.
The whole day Tuesday (next day after the news) I felt like it was just a lousy period day. By 3pm I decided to take it easy and just lie down. Kayla came with me and we had fun hanging out on the bed. She really wanted to be close to me and wanted to cuddle. I, on the other hand was slowly falling asleep as I was feeling exhausted. Avon then came home and we had a small family moment on the bed. Then I sat up and coughed and immediately felt a gush of something come out of me. I stood up fast and ran to the toilet. I wasn’t in pain but there was blood everywhere. I assumed I was naturally aborting but decided to call my gyne because I had booked for the D & C for the following morning. The secretary said as long as you are not bleeding buckets you should be fine but if you do just go to the emergency ward. “What was that suppose to mean…do people really bleed buckets?” I wondered. I was bleeding so heavily I couldn’t get off the toilet….did that count as buckets of blood? Avon could hear something flowing into the toilet and asked if I was peeing and I was like no that is just blood. Was this a call for an emergency?
After an hour of heavy bleeding I collapsed to the floor because I felt so light headed. I couldn’t focus or control the blackout moments. It like I was going to die and I thought of Kanyadzo my grandmother who died during child birth at 36yrs of age if I remember correctly it was due to loss of blood. Was this my time to die? Was God finished with me, was I finished with me? Was this really the end of my Rhythm of life? Did I do all the things I was called to do. Just at that thought I said to myself “HELL NO I am not dying today! I am going to fight for my life!” and shouted from the bathroom floor “Babes we are going to the emergencies! I feel like I am dying. Get the car and everything ready and I will run down!” At this point I had managed to get more blood flowing to my head by raising my legs up against the wall. Avon got the car ready and thankfully Avon’s mom was around so Kayla was sorted.
With blood still running down my legs onto my bare feet I fled down the stairs into the back seat of the car and lay down flat with my legs up against the window. When I collapsed onto the back seat of the car I really couldn’t understand where that burst of energy came from because I was blacking out again. I had never had a moment like this before and new I needed more prayer than just the ones I was saying to myself. So decided to Facebook “I need prayer now!” No body knew what I needed prayer for and I wasn’t prepared to explain it on facebook....all people needed to know at that time was I needed Help! I was scared!
When we got to the emergency entrance at the hospital I was put on a wheelchair and wheeled to the emergency unit. I covered my face as tears rolled down. I was scared and somewhat ashamed for anyone to see me like this. What would they be thinking seeing this lady in a wheel chair crying, with blood down her legs. Well they were probably thinking the obvious…she has probably just had a miscarriage. But I felt sorry for myself but I didn’t want others to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want these strangers to see my face.
The nurses at fourways life really took good care of me. Sometimes I don’t know how those nurses manage to keep their cool through everything they see and experience. I was practically a dead weight as the one nurse tried to take off my soaked clothing and put on my hospital gown. I kept crying just because I felt ashamed, weak and useless. I wasn’t used to feeling like this…I wasn’t used to being the one that needed help that needed the prayers that needed support. It was a horrible feeling. But the nurses were so comforting and sympathetic through it all. I ended up getting a drip put in me which helped with the dizziness and my Gyne managed to see me. She then scheduled me for a D & C for that evening.
|Sitting waiting to go in for a D&C.....still gotta pose!|
As I lay in the hospital bed for those couple of hours before I went for the D&C I kept getting reassured by God “My timing is perfect, my timing is perfect!” I thought back on this whole pregnancy. Imagine if I had got for that scan the day of my Christmas party! I wouldn’t have gone to the party and have had precious moments with my friends at work. I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself and created memorable moments. I also thought about how detached I had been to this whole pregnancy and thought maybe it was because there was nothing there or maybe God planned it this way. Did he keep me so busy to the point where I wasn’t actually embracing the pregnancy? I thought about how fortunate I was to have the support that I had had from my mother in-law to my friend who explained exactly what I might experience. I also thought about the what ifs – What if I had never gone into see the gynecologist the day before and had experienced what I had experienced? I wouldn’t have known the details of the terminated pregnancy. Gods timing was indeed perfect. He prepared my heart and mind for what was to come.
The actual operation was absolutely amazing. In fact the operation was the easiest part of the whole experience. Other than feeling weak I felt ten times better than what I did before I went in for the D&C. Avon and I manage to get
As horrible as this experience was I really felt Gods presence through it all and even now and I would have changed a thing. God was holding my hand through it all…when I thought I was dying, when I was ashamed and crying as I entered the emergency unit, when I was nervous about the operation, and he is holding my hand now as I heal emotionally. After the whole experience I was amazed at how many women in my network had experienced what I had experienced and I had no idea. Yes sometimes we want to put the bad behind us and move on to a brighter future. But honestly this experience taught me so much about Gods love and his presence through a storm. He brings with him a peace that is unexplained and blessed me with a strength that could only come from Him. I am happy and thankful for what I had experienced. I now understand what my fiend meant when she shared her testimony of her miscarriage with strength.