The Awkward Rhythm

The Essentials magazine came out this week and I had this grand plan of uploading every detail about my experience, blog by blog but the whole plan and inspiration left me as quick as it came. This week has been so busy that I haven’t spent enough time drawing from my real source of inspiration which comes from spending time with God. It’s quite amazing how this lack of time with God just creates a domino effect on everything else in my life….I get more anxious, my mind and ego gets the best of me and a whole lot more negative thoughts seem to pollute my mind.

Given my frame of mind and space that I was in….. you wanna know my real reaction when I saw myself on the cover of Essentials Magazine? .....NOTHING. I didn’t think, Wow there I am or feel proud or anything of the sort. All I could think of was how huge I was compared to all the other girls, how ugly the dress looks on me and how pale I looked. Even though I had so much fun doing the shoot and felt comfortable in my own skin at the time....looking at the cover didn't seem to move me at all.

 

 To make matters worse...When I read my blurb I got even more negative …..because in my mind it all read very selfish. “Kanya do you really think you are going to write a book? What makes you so special? So what, you are on the cover of a magazine!!!! Big deal! You won a competition which got you to be a fashion editor - it ain’t like you are Oprah or Beyonce – people with some real talent!”...Yes these were the thoughts which were polluting my mind.

 

These negative thoughts created a dead-end in my blogging inspiration. I had somehow felt not good enough to even blog because I had created a difficult imaginary audience in front of me. It was an audience that critiqued my every sentence, thought and experience. I felt intimidated and insignificant. It was so frustrating for me because I genuinely wanted to write but nothing was coming to me and couldn’t quite figure out why.

Then I lay in my bed this evening after reading an email from a friend who said she couldn’t help but pass this blog onto her other friends…. and that was when I came face to face with these negative thoughts! I asked myself “when someone comes to your blog what are they reading about?” My answer…to myself of course was “My Rhythm of Life!”  … “So why are you not writing about this Rhythm?” All of a sudden I realised that these negative thoughts were not from God and they were not healthy and I needed to release myself from them.....and what helps me get release is through writing even if i am not sure of why or what.

So here I am, sitting up in the middle of the night, writing about my awkward Rhythm, which wasn't exactly how I wanted to reveal my Essentials experience. But I guess that is just going to have to do for now. 

I am sure I am not the only one out there that brings themselves down like this. It happens to the best of us but the real task is finding a way to remove yourself from that negative space and for me that is by spending time focusing on God. Boy am I excited for Sunday morning Worship at Church!