The approaching of my 29th Birthday has me really contemplating on the season ahead of me, the baby season. Almost 80% of the women I associate with these days are either pregnant or have had a child and the question always comes up, “So when is yours coming?” It’s not that I don’t want kids, I really do, but I am really beginning to ask myself the internal question of “body are you ready, mind are you ready, heart are you ready.” My thought was that when all is in check then I would have the green light; but is that ever the case.
When I do ask myself the baby question it’s almost like each component has a worry of its own. The first question I ask “Body are you ready?” the body would reply “Um, you know what Kanya I don’t think so…I mean not now let me just work on the abbs, do more boxing classes, run a marathon. You know how you tummy can get really thrown out of whack after them kids start coming…and you may never run anything once you have kids.” The second question “Mind are you ready?”…The mind is always trying to think logically and would reply “Ya you are the right age, you eat healthy, you just need to take some vitamins and you are good to go.” Then I took my co-worker to the doctor after she had a down syndrome scare. This really threw the Mind out of place. The Mind researched the symptoms and thought about aunt Connie and cousin Itai who has down syndrome. And well ….. “Mind are you ready???” I would ask again. “Aaa, no, no I don’t think I am ready Kanya, what if there are complications? I haven’t read up enough to get my mind mentally around pregnancy?” the mind would reply timidly. The last question would be “Heart are you ready?” and I would always ask this one softly as the heart was the most delicate of all the components that make Kanya. The heart would reply confusedly “Ya, the heart is ready.” ….. Till I get home and hear the neighbour shouting at her 3 year old child. “I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE F-#(&$( thing DOWN!!!” the mother of two would shout. My heart would get so stirred up and scared. My heart would ask, “Kanya what would cause a lady to shout so profoundly to a child who could barely talk? Was it the child or was it the lady? I am not sure the heart is strong enough to endure such!” And these would be the internal battles of my Baby question of life.
Then there are the insecurities of when you are actually trying for kids. When really is the right time? Everyone says you can’t wait till you are debt free or till the perfect moment comes for you to have kids, only God knows; but somehow I feel like I put Gods plan in my hands by using contraceptives. There is no guarantee that you will fall pregnant as soon as you stop taking the contraceptive.. but you could. – only God knows. Now what if you don’t fall pregnant? Sho that works on my heart even more as this won’t be an internal question but an external one. Would Avon and I be able to handle what ever comes our way.. what about compatibility and blood types? That scares me too. I get even more scared and frustrated when people put expectations on us….. we expect you to be pregnant by this time! What if I also wanted to be pregnant at that time…All of a sudden I begin to question whether I am doing it for Us or for them (the others) and get put off the whole having kids thing. Or maybe since everyone would have such high expectations my internal body would just stop functioning because of nerves.
Given all this I still use my mom as a benchmark for all my Body, Mind and Heart insecurities. My body reassures me by saying “ Yo, Kanya, if she had 4 kids after she was 30 and still has a body like she does today at 61. Don’t worry Kanya the body is ready.” My Mind whispers, “Listen Kanya you have your mothers genes, you are still in the safe zone. When you turn 30 then maybe you can start stressing.” And my heart says comfortingly, “ By Gods grace is more than enough for you. Just trust in Jesus.”
But honestly speaking…it doesn’t matter what our body, mind and heart thinks…when God is in control anything is possible. He can change the bodies, hearts and minds of all those who turn to him. I have seen him give twins to a couple that were told they could never have children…all through the power of prayer. God has even been there in situations where the pregnancy was destined for death for both the mother and twins she was struggling to deliver while travelling in a taxi in Swaziland.. Everyone ran out of the taxi in fear of cultural curses of being present in such a situation….God placed my mom (trained midwife) right there at that time and rescue the breached child … any minute later the situation could have been terrible.
So I surrender my body, heart and mind. ..I surrender my angers, fears and frustrations with others; I surrender my timing to His timing and my questions for His answer.
When I do ask myself the baby question it’s almost like each component has a worry of its own. The first question I ask “Body are you ready?” the body would reply “Um, you know what Kanya I don’t think so…I mean not now let me just work on the abbs, do more boxing classes, run a marathon. You know how you tummy can get really thrown out of whack after them kids start coming…and you may never run anything once you have kids.” The second question “Mind are you ready?”…The mind is always trying to think logically and would reply “Ya you are the right age, you eat healthy, you just need to take some vitamins and you are good to go.” Then I took my co-worker to the doctor after she had a down syndrome scare. This really threw the Mind out of place. The Mind researched the symptoms and thought about aunt Connie and cousin Itai who has down syndrome. And well ….. “Mind are you ready???” I would ask again. “Aaa, no, no I don’t think I am ready Kanya, what if there are complications? I haven’t read up enough to get my mind mentally around pregnancy?” the mind would reply timidly. The last question would be “Heart are you ready?” and I would always ask this one softly as the heart was the most delicate of all the components that make Kanya. The heart would reply confusedly “Ya, the heart is ready.” ….. Till I get home and hear the neighbour shouting at her 3 year old child. “I TOLD YOU TO PUT THE F-#(&$( thing DOWN!!!” the mother of two would shout. My heart would get so stirred up and scared. My heart would ask, “Kanya what would cause a lady to shout so profoundly to a child who could barely talk? Was it the child or was it the lady? I am not sure the heart is strong enough to endure such!” And these would be the internal battles of my Baby question of life.
Then there are the insecurities of when you are actually trying for kids. When really is the right time? Everyone says you can’t wait till you are debt free or till the perfect moment comes for you to have kids, only God knows; but somehow I feel like I put Gods plan in my hands by using contraceptives. There is no guarantee that you will fall pregnant as soon as you stop taking the contraceptive.. but you could. – only God knows. Now what if you don’t fall pregnant? Sho that works on my heart even more as this won’t be an internal question but an external one. Would Avon and I be able to handle what ever comes our way.. what about compatibility and blood types? That scares me too. I get even more scared and frustrated when people put expectations on us….. we expect you to be pregnant by this time! What if I also wanted to be pregnant at that time…All of a sudden I begin to question whether I am doing it for Us or for them (the others) and get put off the whole having kids thing. Or maybe since everyone would have such high expectations my internal body would just stop functioning because of nerves.
Given all this I still use my mom as a benchmark for all my Body, Mind and Heart insecurities. My body reassures me by saying “ Yo, Kanya, if she had 4 kids after she was 30 and still has a body like she does today at 61. Don’t worry Kanya the body is ready.” My Mind whispers, “Listen Kanya you have your mothers genes, you are still in the safe zone. When you turn 30 then maybe you can start stressing.” And my heart says comfortingly, “ By Gods grace is more than enough for you. Just trust in Jesus.”
But honestly speaking…it doesn’t matter what our body, mind and heart thinks…when God is in control anything is possible. He can change the bodies, hearts and minds of all those who turn to him. I have seen him give twins to a couple that were told they could never have children…all through the power of prayer. God has even been there in situations where the pregnancy was destined for death for both the mother and twins she was struggling to deliver while travelling in a taxi in Swaziland.. Everyone ran out of the taxi in fear of cultural curses of being present in such a situation….God placed my mom (trained midwife) right there at that time and rescue the breached child … any minute later the situation could have been terrible.
So I surrender my body, heart and mind. ..I surrender my angers, fears and frustrations with others; I surrender my timing to His timing and my questions for His answer.
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